Foreword: Jesus fucking Christ. Just as I went to post this, after already editing out fifteen hundred words about Hollyoaks I see that Kenny cunt-chops has scaled the wall and there will be no eviction this week. Fucking typical. I suppose it only goes to show that my curse on the people I want to stay in is still working. Well, I’m not fucking changing it again.

You know how you all quite like Halfwit and Bea and think that there might be a bit of a romance growing there? And you know how none of you really like Noirin that much, but for no discernible reason? And you know how you all like Siavash despite the fact that he hasn’t really done anything except be a bit full of himself for a fat bloke? And you know how you all hated Kris and then thought he actually seemed okay once he came out, almost like a human being? Well I’ll explain why in a bit.

Next years Big Brother house. With any luck.

But first, hasn’t it been an exciting week to watch “The phenomenon of some twats in a house”? Because, shock horror, they opened the lid and poured in another carton of cunts (speaking of which, Why was Rodrigo so upset at being called a cunt? If I was in there he would have been called a cunt within about forty seconds of the kick off. And Karly must’ve said it. After all, I am reliably informed that it is Scottish for “Amigo”.) to shake it up a bit. Then, to shake it up more gave them (through Hira. The most stupid human being I have ever come across. I have met cats and dogs smarter than her.) the most insidious task in a convoluted history of insidious tasks. Trying to persuade everyone to nominate two randomly chosen housemates was clearly designed to create divisions in the house, what with many people tuning out due to having fallen into comas through boredom (coma, incidentally is one of the most popular search terms that people use to find this site. But I’m saving that for another time.). I also think it was a flawed task as if a housemate with any moral compass had gone in, they would have refused to do it and accepted that they were putting themselves up for the public vote. Which is not as foolhardy as you might think at first, because viewers seeing this would most probably think that they were a good egg, and they would be safe, leaving it for the other cunts to duke it out amongst themselves. But anyway, on to the new breed…

Kenneth - Basically Ash, from Hollyoaks. Quite possibly the most despicable, arrogant prick on the face of the Earth (a bully since his youth it seems, his sister too. She nearly got into a lot of trouble for gluing two carrots up the nose of a girl at school, but as their dad was quite high up in Gucci [a clothing and lifestyle label made famous by drug-dealers and prostitutes] at the time, they got away with it.), destined to be voted out this week with something approaching the highest percentage of votes, I would guess. I think we should leave him in, see how he gets on. I think that would be much more fun, however, I’m sure it’s not to be. But it’s ok because we have, in few scant days heard him verbally attack a young girl who calmly tore him to shreds, say that he would fuck Dogface (or Action Amy) and then never call her, talk about how the sex is what drew him to Karly, watched him have his ego dismantled in front of him a second time by Bea, and seen him cry in the diary room after his girlfriend asked him to find her contraceptive pills that she left in the house. I think he was right in assuming that there was a subtext to that. I like the man.

Bea - Probably a favourite to win it now (I can’t be bothered to check at the moment, I’ll get back to you in due course) and the destroyer of Kenneth. Her skill here was realising that he was intimidated by her, and feeling sorry for him, not using it against him. Kenneth did not know what to do here as it was anathema to his way of life. Also a potential love interest for Halfwit. Except probably not, because she seemed shocked when asked and has specifically said he’s not her type. Oh well, anything can happen in the house.

Hira - Infact to rephrase my earlier statement, most dogs and cats are smarter than Hira. All cats, most dogs.

David - Twenty-eight year old homosexual spendthrift. Hang on, twenty-eight? Do me a lemon, mate! Twenty-eight? Pull the other one, it’s got fucking bells on it! Twenty-Eight!? Ha, and the rest mate. Double it, I reckon. That or he’s had a hard paper round. If I may be contentious briefly (and let’s face it, I don’t need your fucking permission. I make the rules here, yeah, so fuck you, internet!) he is the kind of man who puts the cause of gay rights back by decades. The sort of chap dreamed up by Nick Griffin and his merry band of pranksters as some sort of menace to our children. And he seems like a prick. And he’s a fucking liar, too, remember. Twenty-fucking-eight indeed!

Tom - A nice bloke wrapped in the skin of an arsehole. It’s my opinion that the producers have already decided that they want him out, and therefore he will be.

Probably smarter than Hira.

Which brings me on to the cut and thrust of this piece. This should be no big revelation, and I’m sure that most of you have already worked this out, probably a long time ago, but I don’t think I’ve read it anywhere. The producers had a fair idea of who they wanted to win from the very first night and since then they have been honing their efforts to ensure that this happens. Which is why you only ever see Lisa sitting on her arse and whinging about other housemates. She can’t be that much of a cunt for real, can she? If she was she would have been voted out by the house mates long ago. Don’t buy into all that dogshit on the analysis shows about how people don’t want to vote her out because it would leave a power vacuum. It’s because in that particular week they hated someone else more. Think about the few questions I posed at the beginning of the piece, why do most people like Siavash? I do, I think he’s cool but he hasn’t done anything good or exciting except cause a row between Noirin and Karly, Kris and that shower of shit by, what appears to be, making up a comment about her being a bunny. What else has he done to snare our hearts? Very little, but he is always shown smiling which has an impact on us! We are shown one edited hour a day. If that hour was focused entirely on one person we would still only be seeing between four and ten percent of what they get up to, when you see this you realise how incredibly easy it should be to get what you want out of that time. Witness; Halfwit the loveable irritant, like herpes. Marcus, the worlds favourite rapist. Rodrigo, the do nothing complainer one has to walk on eggshells around, but that little face, who can stay mad at him? Tom, who for some reason everyone hates, just because he’s got big arms and he became friends with Kenneth. And Kenneth, from his intro video to every single shot of him in the house, it has been carefully constructed so that we hate him and get him out as quickly as possible. So that’s what will happen. Kenneth out this week, Lisa has escaped the boot by the skin of her teeth, despite being voted out by the housemates. Normally I would insist that the worst housemates be kept in because they are funny, but Lisa is just a vile cunt who brings nothing to the house. It’ll be interesting to see how she goes through this week, knowing that she is despised by everyone else. Hopefully she will slash her arms to the very bone, the witch.

Definately smarter than Hira

Halfwit will win.

Be seeing you…