My eyes hurt from chicken as I watch squaking raven, Davina McCall’s sandblasted face spout shit at me through my television set. Yes, the most convoluted, contrived and predictably unpredictable TV show comes back to our screens with a thud. Is that thud the sound of dead wood? Who can say. In your interest I have elected to watch as much of it as I humanly can this year so you can impress your little pals with my opinions (which I, in turn get from Charlie Brooker) and my attempts at satire. Observe: Is it perhaps interesting that twenty years ago to the day that 16 fuckwits entered a house desperate for attention, prepared to degrade and humiliate themselves for fame and with no ideologies to speak of, except of course the perennial, ‘I don’t care what anyone else thinks about me. I do what I want to do, I don’t take shit from anyone.’ and ‘I don’t like liars, cheats or backstabbers’ (which as a statement is surely one of the single most redundant things that a human being can say; who does like liars, cheats and backstabbers?) a single individual, laden with bags of shopping was prepared to die for what he believed in and stood up (literally) against what he knew to be wrong with out once showing his face, not because his hair wasn’t right, but because (presumably) it didn’t even occur to him that he could have achieved his aims by inserting a wine bottle into his vagina, hiding everyone’s food or pretending to get pregnant in a jacuzzi?

This man would not do well in

So this year in a house that smells of Allied Carpets (Kris), and where UFO’s, Aliens and Jesus come under the same subheading none of them are housemates yet. How exciting. Except for Rodrigo and Noirin, who are now. But who are they, and what do we know about them? Let’s take a closer look.

First into the house was Freddie, a puny William Regal from off of the wrestling was making my head itch by wearing a hat made out of human hair. He got booed on the way in before anyone knew anything at all about him. But he did have a posh voice, so he brought it on himself. Swiftly followed by Lisa, played by Huffty from The Word and Shovel from M-People at the same time. Comedy tit model Sophie was third and revealed the extent of her Max Clifford media training by saying things genetically engineered to make people hate her. Nothing much to be said about Kris except that he is a little bit too good looking in my opinion and looks like he is in every indie band ever, especially The View. Noirin came in like a vile version of Donna from Pulling but redeemed herself to a certain extent later by being prepared (Read: so desperate to get in) to shave off her eyebrows and have a moustache drawn on her face forever. Although I don’t think she realised that she has to redraw it for the forseeable future. Cairon (or Soulja Boy)was to me only memorable for the utterly moronic statement “I feel a bit weird wiping my own ass.” which was designed to prove that he wasn’t gay, but just made him seem odd. Who else wipes it for him?

It was at this point that I started to get a little bored. So you have my deepest sympathy.

Some girls, yesterday

After a sigh, Angel entered. I was desperately hoping that Angel’s sex would be one of the great mysteries of this series (along with, what the fuck did any of these cunts do when they weren’t in the house?) but she (allegedly) revealed herself as a pantomime dame by wearing a skirt and corrective shoes. Noirin is very scared of her and she is an early favourite with me because Pete Burns (Who? Why? What’s the point of him?) called her weird. Next up it’s Karly, voiced by the woman from the Playstation adverts by Chris Cunningham and played by Bree Olsen. So she should be fun. Markus is a grown man who genuinely thinks that he comes off favourably in comparisons with Hugh Jackman and is woefully mistaken. Beinazir is apparently the first female Muslim on the show and because of this fact she gets very few boos. That would be racialist. Sophia, a young Barbara Windsor in blackface make up comes across as genuinely delightful and get nothing but cheers for the first time tonight. But I think everyone is just getting tired. Rodrigo has somehow overcome two obstacles to getting on the show: 1) his very flimsy grasp of the English tongue and 2) he is twelve years old. Charlie (Aye, like the drug)is a gay Will Mellor and yet another person who doesn’t care what people think of him. Which is just as well. Saffia is on the wrong show, she should be on The Apprentice but I think she is sexy so best of luck to her. Sree is our penultimate victim, seemingly one of the Kapours/ Coopers from Goodness Gracious Me has escaped and become flesh, and finally the Asian Justin Lee Collins, Siavash. Played by Mike Myers in The Love Guru.

So there we are. Who will we love, who will we hate, who will we have forgotten about tomorrow? Will any of them become TV handymen, skinhead porn stars or die of cancer? There’s only one way to find out, idly glance at any tabloid front cover at any point in the next fourteen weeks. Or you could watch it.

Be seeing you…