Firstly, if you have only come here for Joanna Angel, why not take a look around? It’s nice here. There are all sorts of things to keep you amused. Look, look! Is that a podcast? I think it fucking well is, have an earful. (As it transpires, it’s not. They appear to have fallen off the internet somehow. Probably through one of the holes in it. Ho. Ho. Ho.) Keep coming back for more rubbish updates, too.

It is with a heavy heart that I am forced to announce the next victim in the ongoing cull of everyone ace on Earth, Ms Joanna Angel, porn star, director, polymath. If you are not familiar with her ouvre, and I am sure that none of you in relationships are, then go here, here or here. It’s not really safe for work. But it’s more than worth it.
Joanna Angel makes genuinely witty, genuinely sexy porn, which has some of my favourite lines in cinema history including “I’m only doing anal so I can buy a puppy”, and “I was giving her CPR. In the ass.” Put it this way, if you like suicide girls, but think it’s for children and/ or Londoners, check out Burning Angel. You see it going in.
It is a shame that she has to die, especially as I am almost certain that she was trying to work up the courage to ask me to marry her.
The following interview was conducted over an instant messenger for the most part and as such I have edited some of my words and massaged it to make myself look less of a prick.

Let us begin, on this, your last day on earth, what would you like for your last ever breakfast?
Hmmmm, ok, well if it’s my last day then I don’t have to worry about eating healthy. I can throw my diet out the window.

Please do. Pig out, woman.
Then I want french toast, fried eggs, an english muffin with lots of butter, bacon and hashbrowns and coffee. And a really good bloody mary. Maybe like 19 bloody mary’s. That would be awesome.

Great stuff. What would you like to have as your last ever meal at the end of the day?
My last meal… I want a cheese sandwich.

Just a cheese sandwich?
From a good deli from New York. YES.

What kind of cheese?
With swiss cheese, american cheese, lettuce, tomato, mayo and mustard and salt and vinegar potato chips. Oh yeah and onion. I guess I wont have to worry about my breath if I am dying.

What? Just a raw onion?
Yeah, like slices of red onion.

No problem. How do you want to spend your last day?
Hmm… Well having sex, drinking martinis, watching HOUSE and The Office, and being on Twitter.

American Office, or UK Office?
Well, both. But the American Office.

Is there any particular place you would like to go?
Hmm… Yeah to New York To Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Maybe to Central Park.

You can swing by central park on the way to yr execution if you like?
That would be cool.

Or we could perform the execution in central park if you want,
Yeah I wanna drink the martini’s in Williamsburg.
All I know about Williamsburg is that there is a song about Will Oldham raping some guy up the arse on the train to Williamsburg by Jeffrey Lewis. I can’t imagine that it’s always like that.
It’s a lot of fun.

I’m sure it is if that song is anything to go by. And speaking of songs what one album do you want to listen to on your last day?
Hmmm… Cowboys From Hell by Pantera.

(In the interests of full disclosure I must admit that I now claimed that Cowboys from Hell was Pantera’s second album when it is, in fact, their fifth.) So what film will you watch (when not watching House or Office)?
Hot Fuzz.

Really?
I like watching that, it makes me laugh. It would be something good to watch on my last day. Maybe I would also wanna watch Clerks, both 1 and 2.

Who or what will you miss the most?
I will miss my family and I will miss all the burningangel girls. Maybe they can all indulge in the bacon and french toast and martinis and House with me?

It’s your day, Ms Angel, you can do that if you want. Who or what will you not miss at all?
Traffic. I will not miss traffic. Credit card bills, headaches, the DMV [Department of motor vehicles. I think that whereas everything to do with cars or the road is free and eco-friendly in the UK, they have to pay for things in the US. I know, mental, innit?]. I will totally NOT miss the DMV.

What do you want to do as your last action?
I want to Tweet. I want to write one amazingly funny 140 character statement that summed up my whole life.

How would you like to be remembered?
As a chick who made good porn.

Cool. What will you regret?
I don’t believe in regret. It’s really inefficient.

It was at this point that Ms Angel had to stop our instant message conversation. I don’t know why. Maybe she had to go to the phone, maybe her manager popped round, maybe she was getting upset and scared by the way I kept turning on my webcam so she could see me masturbating with handful of my own shit. We might never know. She was however, good enough to reply, by return of post with the answers to the remaining questions.

What will you remember most fondly?
Hmm…. winning my first AVN award [for Most Outrageous Sex Scene. If I’ve done my research correctly] was one of the best memories I ever had. It was an awesome feeling.

Who would you like to spend your last three hours with, forsaking all others?
Hmm…. well probably, James Deen, Stoya, Jenna Haze, Brian Street Team, Steve Holmes, Jessie Lee, Nova, Draven, and Misti Dawn. We could really have the best orgy in the history of all orgies and that would be a nice way to go.

What will your last words be?
“For only $20 a month you can join BurningAngel.com along with 7 other websites in our network.”

Who is your last phone call to?
My mom.

What will your last thoughts be?
Probably about how I don’t want to die yet and this really sucks, and I want to live a little longer.

What would you like as your epitaph?
“Joanna Angels was a nice Jewish girl, who made good porn, and made people laugh.”

What do you want done with your remains?
If there is a creative way to bake them in a cake and have people eat them- and yet it would still taste good, that would be pretty awesome.

How will you justify yourself to Saint Peter?
I don’t have to justify myself to any saint, because I am Jewish, and we don’t believe in those things.

What does God look like?
That is a bit too much for me to think about right now.

What happens when you die?
Hopefully I fall into a nice sleep that feels relaxing, than I don’t get woken up from.

There is only a very short time left now, but you can fit in one song, what do you want to hear?
The intro song that plays at the beginning of HOUSE[Teardrop - Massive Attack].

Thank you Ms Angel. And off she goes with the words “Love, love is a verb/ Love is a doing word” echoing around the room to the chopping block. Was it just me, or did anyone else notice the palpable air of sexual tension there? I think she fancied me…
Be seeing you…