…Tony Hutchinson’s a peadophile.

Tony Hutchinson, after poking a fifteen year old, yesterday

Hollyoaks Later is here. If they build it, we will watch. You can tell it’s the late night version because the kids act a bit more like kids, swearing and talking about sex and that, but still no one smokes.

The hope however, hangs in the air that Michaela might get her knockers out for a bit, she is very much the type. But almost certainly not, pointlessly late night versions of soaps invariably follow the same route; established characters will do nothing more than swear, or perhaps be shown to enjoy being drunk. There will be hints at nudity that will never be fulfilled (due to actors contracts) and there will almost never be full penetration (except in that ill-conceived late night version of Last Of The Summer Wine). The promise of nudity, though, is what draws us in. Just because none of the main players will be getting nude that doesn’t mean no one will. There are plenty of bit part actresses prepared to make the effort in order to get their names on the board, so to speak, and best of luck to them, they serve an important purpose, namely to inspire hope in gentlemen viewers, like them actual real life strippers that were on it just.

So anyway, thus far we have learnt that Kris (Hobbies: Moral indignation, shocking Daily Mail readers) is the most self-centered and ignorant person on the planet after he outed himself as a tranny and a bilord at his dads funeral. Pick your moments, son. I think he was just worried no one would be shocked by his lifestyle choice.
We have learnt that Zac is the most irritating cartoon of a human being since Gilly. Or Rhys. Male character development appears to have been lifted directly from some piece of chick-lit you find stuck to the front of a magazine for menopausal women: only there to show how rubbish boys are and to fucking humiliate them.
We have learnt that one hour a night might be stretching it a bit. There is some genuinely good drama (Niall’s return [although it is very un-Hollyoaks] and the HIV plot surrounding Kris, Malachy, and the increasingly skeletal Mercedes.) that sits uncomfortably next to the escapades of the Dirty Diegos. This feeling of over-stretched-ness is compounded by the heavy handed use of music in some episodes but when the music is the ACTUAL single by the ACTUAL Dirty Diegos, (click here so you can read about NME readers not really “getting it”. What! frivolous throwaway pop music! NOOOO!!! Music should be about pain and stone, not fun!) then it can be forgiven a certain amount…
We have learnt that the best words of advice that a smackhead can get are from a former member of S Club Juniors, they presumably lived the life too.

S Club Juniors, yesterday

We have learnt, due to a rookie mistake made by Josh Ashworth (”Yeah, Michaela’s family are robbing scum”  - No, Michaela, It’s not how it sounds! I think it fucking is, mate.) to never trust journalists because they are all lying, murdering, duplicitous cunts.
We have learnt that Steph is as thick as absolute fuck. When warned by Niall not to contact the police she begs her brother not to. Having seen far too many movies she assumes that a man who is clearly mentally unstable and has been living rough for a few weeks has some sort of device that will allow him to listen in. The stupid bitch should have phoned them and explained the situation. The most positive thing about the return of the cheeky prankster Niall is that with any luck we may get to witness the end of fucking Tom fucking Cunning-fucking-ham. Here’s hoping he perishes, eh?

Normal run-of-the-mill daytime Hollyoaks has taken the bold step of running what is in essence a pro-peadophile story line. Whilst obviously not an actual pro-peadophile story line, it does raise the idea that not all girls who have sex when they are underage are victims, some are manipulative fiends. Which of course can be happily interpreted as “All girls are asking for it no matter what their age.” if you don’t bother thinking about it. Tony “Humbert Humbert” Hutchinson has only gone and got mixed up with another bloody McQueen, hasn’t he? What a twat. That’s right, Tony Polanski stuck it in a fifteen year old and now has to face the music like the rest of us. Way to go, Tony Glitter.
Could that story arc be seen as an homage to Lolita? Is it jabbing a rusty fork into the open wound of today’s morality? Will it dissect the media reaction(in Hollyoaks) when he is inevitably released? Almost certainly not.

Tony Hutchinson, in happier times, yesterday

Be seeing you…

(Incidentally, in the course of writing this I have googled, among other things, “Peadophile” “Lolita” and “S Club Juniors”. It dosen’t look good for me, does it?)