Archive for July, 2009

Foreword: Jesus fucking Christ. Just as I went to post this, after already editing out fifteen hundred words about Hollyoaks I see that Kenny cunt-chops has scaled the wall and there will be no eviction this week. Fucking typical. I suppose it only goes to show that my curse on the people I want to stay in is still working. Well, I’m not fucking changing it again.

You know how you all quite like Halfwit and Bea and think that there might be a bit of a romance growing there? And you know how none of you really like Noirin that much, but for no discernible reason? And you know how you all like Siavash despite the fact that he hasn’t really done anything except be a bit full of himself for a fat bloke? And you know how you all hated Kris and then thought he actually seemed okay once he came out, almost like a human being? Well I’ll explain why in a bit.

Next years Big Brother house. With any luck.

But first, hasn’t it been an exciting week to watch “The phenomenon of some twats in a house”? Because, shock horror, they opened the lid and poured in another carton of cunts (speaking of which, Why was Rodrigo so upset at being called a cunt? If I was in there he would have been called a cunt within about forty seconds of the kick off. And Karly must’ve said it. After all, I am reliably informed that it is Scottish for “Amigo”.) to shake it up a bit. Then, to shake it up more gave them (through Hira. The most stupid human being I have ever come across. I have met cats and dogs smarter than her.) the most insidious task in a convoluted history of insidious tasks. Trying to persuade everyone to nominate two randomly chosen housemates was clearly designed to create divisions in the house, what with many people tuning out due to having fallen into comas through boredom (coma, incidentally is one of the most popular search terms that people use to find this site. But I’m saving that for another time.). I also think it was a flawed task as if a housemate with any moral compass had gone in, they would have refused to do it and accepted that they were putting themselves up for the public vote. Which is not as foolhardy as you might think at first, because viewers seeing this would most probably think that they were a good egg, and they would be safe, leaving it for the other cunts to duke it out amongst themselves. But anyway, on to the new breed…

Kenneth - Basically Ash, from Hollyoaks. Quite possibly the most despicable, arrogant prick on the face of the Earth (a bully since his youth it seems, his sister too. She nearly got into a lot of trouble for gluing two carrots up the nose of a girl at school, but as their dad was quite high up in Gucci [a clothing and lifestyle label made famous by drug-dealers and prostitutes] at the time, they got away with it.), destined to be voted out this week with something approaching the highest percentage of votes, I would guess. I think we should leave him in, see how he gets on. I think that would be much more fun, however, I’m sure it’s not to be. But it’s ok because we have, in few scant days heard him verbally attack a young girl who calmly tore him to shreds, say that he would fuck Dogface (or Action Amy) and then never call her, talk about how the sex is what drew him to Karly, watched him have his ego dismantled in front of him a second time by Bea, and seen him cry in the diary room after his girlfriend asked him to find her contraceptive pills that she left in the house. I think he was right in assuming that there was a subtext to that. I like the man.

Bea - Probably a favourite to win it now (I can’t be bothered to check at the moment, I’ll get back to you in due course) and the destroyer of Kenneth. Her skill here was realising that he was intimidated by her, and feeling sorry for him, not using it against him. Kenneth did not know what to do here as it was anathema to his way of life. Also a potential love interest for Halfwit. Except probably not, because she seemed shocked when asked and has specifically said he’s not her type. Oh well, anything can happen in the house.

Hira - Infact to rephrase my earlier statement, most dogs and cats are smarter than Hira. All cats, most dogs.

David - Twenty-eight year old homosexual spendthrift. Hang on, twenty-eight? Do me a lemon, mate! Twenty-eight? Pull the other one, it’s got fucking bells on it! Twenty-Eight!? Ha, and the rest mate. Double it, I reckon. That or he’s had a hard paper round. If I may be contentious briefly (and let’s face it, I don’t need your fucking permission. I make the rules here, yeah, so fuck you, internet!) he is the kind of man who puts the cause of gay rights back by decades. The sort of chap dreamed up by Nick Griffin and his merry band of pranksters as some sort of menace to our children. And he seems like a prick. And he’s a fucking liar, too, remember. Twenty-fucking-eight indeed!

Tom - A nice bloke wrapped in the skin of an arsehole. It’s my opinion that the producers have already decided that they want him out, and therefore he will be.

Probably smarter than Hira.

Which brings me on to the cut and thrust of this piece. This should be no big revelation, and I’m sure that most of you have already worked this out, probably a long time ago, but I don’t think I’ve read it anywhere. The producers had a fair idea of who they wanted to win from the very first night and since then they have been honing their efforts to ensure that this happens. Which is why you only ever see Lisa sitting on her arse and whinging about other housemates. She can’t be that much of a cunt for real, can she? If she was she would have been voted out by the house mates long ago. Don’t buy into all that dogshit on the analysis shows about how people don’t want to vote her out because it would leave a power vacuum. It’s because in that particular week they hated someone else more. Think about the few questions I posed at the beginning of the piece, why do most people like Siavash? I do, I think he’s cool but he hasn’t done anything good or exciting except cause a row between Noirin and Karly, Kris and that shower of shit by, what appears to be, making up a comment about her being a bunny. What else has he done to snare our hearts? Very little, but he is always shown smiling which has an impact on us! We are shown one edited hour a day. If that hour was focused entirely on one person we would still only be seeing between four and ten percent of what they get up to, when you see this you realise how incredibly easy it should be to get what you want out of that time. Witness; Halfwit the loveable irritant, like herpes. Marcus, the worlds favourite rapist. Rodrigo, the do nothing complainer one has to walk on eggshells around, but that little face, who can stay mad at him? Tom, who for some reason everyone hates, just because he’s got big arms and he became friends with Kenneth. And Kenneth, from his intro video to every single shot of him in the house, it has been carefully constructed so that we hate him and get him out as quickly as possible. So that’s what will happen. Kenneth out this week, Lisa has escaped the boot by the skin of her teeth, despite being voted out by the housemates. Normally I would insist that the worst housemates be kept in because they are funny, but Lisa is just a vile cunt who brings nothing to the house. It’ll be interesting to see how she goes through this week, knowing that she is despised by everyone else. Hopefully she will slash her arms to the very bone, the witch.

Definately smarter than Hira

Halfwit will win.

Be seeing you…

This weeks episode of Your Last Twenty-Four, or Your Last, as all the cool kids are calling it features rising dubstep star, Jakwob, or James Jacob to his mum as the poor unfortunate to be forced off this mortal coil at the hand of the sinister world government for being too fucking awesome. A bit like We Will Rock You, by faux-comedian Ben Elton which premiered in 2002, or the seven song suite 2112 on the album of the same name by Rush which came out in 1976 (I’m not saying Ben Elton is a thieving, scheming, turncoat, un-funny sellout cunt, that’s for history to decide. But he is.). Anyway, he’s done remixes for people as diverse as Frankmusic, Ellie Goulding, Mr Fogg and Rolo Tomassi (of all people)and if you clicky clicky, you can hear some of them.

I have a sneaking suspicion that that there Starry Eyed remix might be about drugs. I’ve been to those Rave clubs (where I hear chicks get naked) and I’ve seen the folk, ravers, if you like, taking those tablets they are all so keen on, Fantasy, is it? They get starry eyed, suddenly, they’re all touching. I don’t know, disgusting. Thing about those Rave clubs is that some of them don’t even do a good mild on tap. But as usual, I digress…

Unfortunately he has to die, and as such has filled out this little questionnaire of mine on how he wants to spend his last day on Earth in a hip and happening true interactive stylee. Inasmuch as it’s got pictures and video and that. For a much better, more informative interview with this seemingly tea and Arnie fixated individual, go here.

What do you want for your last breakfast?
Crumpets with loads of butter and some waffles and bacon! yes!

What will you have for your last meal?
A fat roast.

What would you want to do on your last day?
Take every drug I’ve never taken then go for a swim. (Sounds to me like a way to escape execution. It’s how people die on soap operas. We’ll keep an eye on him…)

What sort of a day do you want it to be?
A tropical day, humid and raining.

Where do you want to go?
To a nice place with naked people. (One of those Rave clubs, I shouldn’t wonder.)

What reading material do you want?
Nuts, mate.

What album will you listen to?
‘Rewind 2005‘, some dirty garage! (Or possibly not that link. They all have the same name.)

What film will you watch?
Airplane.

Who, or what will you miss most?
Oxygen.

Who, or what will you not miss at all?
Carbon Monoxide! Bastard!

What do you want to do as your last action?
Probably question again why I was being killed! (I think you will find that it has been adequately explained in the admittedly, somewhat shaky premise up there ^^)

How would you like to be remembered?
Well.

What will you regret?
No Regrets, Mother-Fucker! No Mother-Fucking Regrets!

What will you remember most fondly?
My cat and dog and how I had such a better life than them.

Who would you like to spend your last three hours with, forsaking all others?
MJ (Luckily, at the sinister world government we know exactly where he’s hiding. What? You really thought he was dead?)

What will your last words be?

Who is your last phone call to?
118247 you should give it a call! Its directory Heaven!

What will your last thoughts be?
What the fuck!

What would you like as your epitaph?
‘Make us a brew’

What do you want done with your remains?
Scattered over all the lands and oceans across the kingdoms.

How will you justify yourself to Saint Peter?
Do the dance Carlton does in fresh prince, sure to work!

What does God look like?

God, yesterday

What happens when you die?
You’re used for this shit:

What happens when you die, yesterday

And with that, off he goes, to be mechanically dismantled and reformed, part Terminator, part sausage.

Be seeing you…

Due to my burgeoning popularity on the pornography scene (as the logical successor to Mr Hands), I don’t know if I should still be looking at such Anglocentric and, frankly, un-arousing subjects as Hollyoaks. I don’t know how it will affect my standing amongst my new friends (yes, if you are reading this, I consider you friends and as such will be expecting birthday presents and holiday invitations in return for tea and crumpets, eh, Misti Dawn, eh? Eh?). So imagine my rapturous delight at the return of batshit crazy Cheryl, played by Adrianna Nicole (who was three years older than me when I first heard of her, and is now one year younger than me)’s plumper Irish cousin. This awesome whirlwind of tits and ass crash-landed back on our screens a week or so back and I look forward with chomping bits to each appearance. It’s nice to have a taste of lighthearted slapperey in a show which, what with it’s AIDs, child abduction, murder and now child abuse story lines, is somehow loosing all sense of fun. Maybe it’s all the AIDses flying around the place?

Cheryl, yesterday

Aside from Cheryl, I don’t really have much of a fucking clue what’s actually going on. Natty appears to have gone from being an evil mastermind to Gary Glitter with a tiny little face. Abi and her gentleman friend (a pair so pointless and without direction that they haven’t even been given last names yet) now seem to be recruiters for some cult or other, I’m eagerly anticipating the day when they stop people in the middle of Hollyoaks village to ask them if they want a stress test. Mike Barnes is still, and always will be a cunt. Zoe appears to have forgotten that she has failed her entire degree and her life has gone up in smoke because she stole an idea from the aforementioned Barnesey after her laptop magically exploded (which is what happens when you spill a bit of wine on them, so watch out. I pissed all over my keyboard once when I was drunk and it still worked fine [it didn’t work fine. I hairdryered it and took it back to the shop to swap it for a new one saying that I didn’t know what had gone wrong with it.].) and for some-fucking-reason beyond the ken of anyone at all, Darren (also viewable here, sexing up a lady, the jammy cunt.) and Hannah got married in Denmark (If you follow that Denmark link you will be invited, rather wonderfully, to explore the universe of Denmark. Universe? Come on, with the best will in the world it’s a country, not really a Universe.). I swear that I am not making this up. Every time I turn it on (which is everyday) I feel as though I’ve missed at least a fortnight of episodes. If anyone can fill me in on the whos, whens, whys and hows, please fill me in cos I’m fucked.

Be seeing you…

Right, well. If there’s any one in particular that you want thrown out of the house, let us know and I’ll give them the official Wolfdisguisedasmonk seal of approval. It’s the kiss of death. Saffia: Out, Sophia: Out, Cairon: Out, Angel: Out, Sree: Out. They drop like fucking flies when we get behind them. This week I am backing Halfwit. I really like him, but can fully understand why Kris doesn’t. Namely because Halfwit is a twat. Also because Kris is intimidated by Halfwit because he’s so much cleverer than him. Kris, who was once sexy and gave me peculiar dreams is now an utter cunt. Lisa is still, and always has been, an utter gobshite cunt. Rodrigo has started saying things! Mostly to have a go a Charlie, but who can stay mad at him? Awwww, that little face. Karly is some sort of succubus, all beautiful on the outside and a hard, cold, withered husk within. And so on.
Rabbitgate.
Well fuck my hat, did you see any of that shit go off? Wicked, weren’t it? Exciting times. Well here’s Wolfdisguisedasmonk’s view on it; Siavash is aces, Noreen (because that’s how it’s spelt), Karly, Dogface, Kris, Lisa (especially Lisa), and Charlie (to a lesser extent) are cunts. Why did it happen? I watched it and I’m not sure. I think it has a lot to do with Noreen’s seriously skewed self image, in that she only judges herself by other peoples opinions of her. She sees herself as only her looks, if you follow me. And the more I see of her, the less there is of her to know. As someone once said about me, there is a lot less to her than meets the eye, she is self obsessed to the point that she gets jealous of her reflection for being able to look at her. Whichever way it seems that now there are two clear groups in the house, put bluntly the attractive, unpleasant people (and Lisa), and the ugly nice people. And Rodrigo is sort of milling around too, occasionally making Charlie cry. Anyway, seeing as I am a racist, I am on Siavash’s side in this debacle, especially as he called Kris and his shower of shit mates “Cunts”. Brilliant.
The Incredible Five Way Eviction
Here at Wolfdisguisedasmonk we were certain that it was between Kris (not because he’s dead pretty and people will be jealous, but because he’s a knob) and Marcus (the most likable potential rapist in the world) until this Rabbitgate malarky. Now we think it will be Kris, Dogface or Marcus. In that order. Having said that and based on our appalling track record, the smart money must be on Halfwit (although, in the courses of my research [oh yes, research, that’s right] I have come to realise that Halfwit is actually favourite to win on many betting sites.)

Be seeing you…

I used to watch this when I was smaller. Physically smaller, that is. And i remember being a little bit scared by it. Since watching it I have developed a vague obsession with it, which is okay, isn’t it? Anyway, this is the only episode that I can find anywhere. If any of my viewers have any idea where I might stumble across more, let me know.

By the way, whilst I am interested to know if anycunt else remembers it, I don’t want this becoming one of those, “Oh, I remember the eighties, wasn’t Thundercats great? (Not really, no.) Wasn’t He-Man awesome? (No.) Wasn’t the A-Team brilliant, no one died! God, weren’t the miners strikes hilarious!? Ahhh, the eighties, everything from the past is funny because they wore old fashions!”, so think on, yeah?

Be seeing you…