Archive for May, 2009

I’ve just been to Tesco. I’m not proud of it, but as they don’t sell rohypnol, masking tape and industrial size tubs of molasses at the market, and as there is not a Lidl (I honestly fucking love Lidl. I think it’s ace. It’s like being on holiday.) anywhere near me, I had to promenade up there.

Not content with squeezing the very lifeblood out of any independent grocers out there (fuck me, there’s a surprise, a paranoid-conspiracy-theorist type blog entry. You don’t get many of them, do you?) they have now installed a big massive load of self service checkouts. Honestly, it’s like Jodrell fucking Bank in there now. Not only do they make everyone (me) feel like a criminal, but it means that I am now expected to do the jobs that they used to do for me. Which means they soon won’t need as many staff (except to man the cigarette desk and that plain-clothes store-detective with the ponytail and glasses who think’s he’s fucking Dirty Harry). Which means they will be laying people off. But, as Tesco hope to be doubling the number of stores every ten years they will be re-employed. By Tesco. At a lower wage, if they have any business acumen (which, judging by the proliferation of red, white and blue everywhere, they do). So, smashing.

I don’t necessarily think that lower prices are a bad thing, and I don’t hark back to a time that never existed when friendly butchers would be chasing a dog with a string of sausages in it’s mouth down the street with a cleaver in his hand, I just don’t want to have to buy things from certain stores. The freer the market, the freer the trade? To an extent, yeah, but I think that healthy competition should be encouraged, not the insidious act of loss-leaders whereby you are deliberately losing money in order to put other people out of business. I’m just scared of this becoming inevitable:

This post has been kindly sponsored by Lidl.

Be seeing you…

Who the fuck is this horrible child in the middle?

The hateful Spawn of Tony, yesterday

Whoever he is, I fucking hate the cunt.

Hollyoaks is going a bit Breakfast Club at the moment what with the four kids locked in a room after Nancy (who used to be brilliant and has now become a self-important and stultifyingly tedious bore. I blame Russ. You can’t live with someone that shit for so long without becoming like them. It’s as though she has been assimilated into the Borg. Worryingly, this means that Russ must have the dominant personality. I didn’t even notice that he had one at all.) runs away to cry. This could feasibly end well for Newt because all three of the girls fancy him. For a while I wondered why they all liked him so much, I thought it was his hair but I realise now it’s just because he is the only boy. Also, like Anita and Lauren, I hate white people.

Hollyoaks, yesterday

“All this time I hated Zoe Carpenter.”: Michaela McQueen. Me too, Micks, me too. I don’t know if anyone to do with Hollyoaks reads this (Oh my fucking God, that would be endlessly ace), but if you do, and if you happen to be Lyn Papadopalous, (the greatest writer on the ‘Oaks) then please get someone to give Zoe a poking. She is at the moment basically rubbing her gash on anyone, Zak, Old Mr. Barnes, Sarah (the least convincing lesbian since Tarzan [an incredibly convoluted reference that I can't find a link to adequately illustrate.]). I would suggest that Archie gets to fill her in. As he is an utterly one dimensional character this won’t affect him in any way (Except perhaps to put another notch on his unfeasibly be-notched bedpost.), they already have a bizarrely incestuous flirting situation on the go (do any of my viewers have any siblings? Do you ever refer to them as ‘bro’ or ‘sis’? Because I never fucking do. Lazy, lazy fucking writing, to my mind.), and let’s be fair, Hollyoaks has got previous in this respect.

Dom and friends, yesterday

Wouldn’t it have been nice if that grenade went off when that little shit ran back to Tony? And while I think about it, has anyone else noticed Dom’s new found lapses into ghettospeak? Somewhat disarming.

Be seeing you…

So I watched that film everyone was banging on about. The one that will “change your life”, you know the one; Zeitgeist.
…
What a heap of shit. If you watched it, and took on board everything that they said, the mass of supposition, poor conclusions, hackneyed-disproved conspiracy-theories, misinformation and out and out lies, then you truly are a massive fucking idiot. I have neither the time nor the inclination to post a hundred page dissection of why it was wrong on almost every single detail but I will give you a brief review, if you are interested: a dangerous and uninspired piece of rumour-starting.

Zeitgeist The Movie, yesterday

Although perhaps I am wrong.
Perhaps it isn’t meant to work like that, perhaps it was a trick. Perhaps it was merely illustrating the point it was making, that people are willingly spoonfed lies and, if they are presented well enough then people will greedily swallow them down and come back begging for more. Perhaps by filling it with nonsense and presenting it as the truth they were seeing how far people would be prepared to go to believe things that are blatantly not true: footage to show that cutting tools were used on the steel joists in the world trade centre towers. I don’t dispute that. Especially as the footage was from some days after the event when cutting tools would have been used to try to make the area as safe as possible for people working there; the plumes of dust and debris coming from the twin towers as proof of a chemical burning agent. Not from two collapsing skyscrapers, then?; eyewitness reports presented as irrefutable fact. Ridiculous. Most people (myself included) probably don’t pay adequate attention to what is going on around them at the best of times, and when they are under massive amounts of stress and pressure? There is a Russian saying that translates roughly to: No one lies like an eyewitness, that we would do good to remember here; and of course the breath taking ability to get details about the lives of Gods plain wrong. A simple check on Wikipedia would have ironed out some of these problems but what is unforgivable lies not with the film maker, but with the viewers. The film’s website and fansites contain countless testimonials from people claiming “this film changed my life”, or “I did the research and it checks out, man!”. Well, you didn’t do the research unless you got it all from anti-Jewish sites and conspiracy sites. I did the research and I know it is wrong.

Some parts of the film are less wrong than others, parts about the lack of evidence for Jesus Christ’s historical existence, for example, but it is shrouded in such utter bullshit as to devalue anything it attempts, comparing Christianity to sun worshiping cults has some veracity, but by focusing on the similarities of the words ‘Sun’ and ‘Son’ as evidence for this is ridiculous as it only works in English. Which didn’t exist as we know it two-thousand years ago.

The final third of the film, the part that deals with money, and therefore the world, being controlled by a secret cabal of bankers is the most insidious section. Replace the word ‘Banker’ with the word ‘Jew’ and you have an exact replica of baseless conspiracy theories  that have been around for hundreds of years. This part of the film is the most right-wing (which is strange for such an apparently egalitarian film) demanding the tightening of borders, devolution, dismissing any idea of single currency as dangerous and anti-immigration. After the meaningless fluff of the rest of the movie, this seems incongruous.

I have not heard a single negative statement about this film, probably because if you want to watch it, you have to seek it out and if you are not interested in what this film presents, you won’t seek it out. The people who watch this film believe in this film and will be prepared to swipe out at people who disagree, but hey guys, I’m not right-wing, I’m not a Christian or religious in any way (an atheist, in fact) and I’m not a part of the new world order. This is a terrible film. Poorly researched, poorly edited, poorly executed and the worst kind of fear-mongering.

Unless it is a satire…
Be seeing you…

Firstly, if you have only come here for Joanna Angel, why not take a look around? It’s nice here. There are all sorts of things to keep you amused. Look, look! Is that a podcast? I think it fucking well is, have an earful. (As it transpires, it’s not. They appear to have fallen off the internet somehow. Probably through one of the holes in it. Ho. Ho. Ho.) Keep coming back for more rubbish updates, too.

It is with a heavy heart that I am forced to announce the next victim in the ongoing cull of everyone ace on Earth, Ms Joanna Angel, porn star, director, polymath. If you are not familiar with her ouvre, and I am sure that none of you in relationships are, then go here, here or here. It’s not really safe for work. But it’s more than worth it.
Joanna Angel makes genuinely witty, genuinely sexy porn, which has some of my favourite lines in cinema history including “I’m only doing anal so I can buy a puppy”, and “I was giving her CPR. In the ass.” Put it this way, if you like suicide girls, but think it’s for children and/ or Londoners, check out Burning Angel. You see it going in.
It is a shame that she has to die, especially as I am almost certain that she was trying to work up the courage to ask me to marry her.
The following interview was conducted over an instant messenger for the most part and as such I have edited some of my words and massaged it to make myself look less of a prick.

Let us begin, on this, your last day on earth, what would you like for your last ever breakfast?
Hmmmm, ok, well if it’s my last day then I don’t have to worry about eating healthy. I can throw my diet out the window.

Please do. Pig out, woman.
Then I want french toast, fried eggs, an english muffin with lots of butter, bacon and hashbrowns and coffee. And a really good bloody mary. Maybe like 19 bloody mary’s. That would be awesome.

Great stuff. What would you like to have as your last ever meal at the end of the day?
My last meal… I want a cheese sandwich.

Just a cheese sandwich?
From a good deli from New York. YES.

What kind of cheese?
With swiss cheese, american cheese, lettuce, tomato, mayo and mustard and salt and vinegar potato chips. Oh yeah and onion. I guess I wont have to worry about my breath if I am dying.

What? Just a raw onion?
Yeah, like slices of red onion.

No problem. How do you want to spend your last day?
Hmm… Well having sex, drinking martinis, watching HOUSE and The Office, and being on Twitter.

American Office, or UK Office?
Well, both. But the American Office.

Is there any particular place you would like to go?
Hmm… Yeah to New York To Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Maybe to Central Park.

You can swing by central park on the way to yr execution if you like?
That would be cool.

Or we could perform the execution in central park if you want,
Yeah I wanna drink the martini’s in Williamsburg.
All I know about Williamsburg is that there is a song about Will Oldham raping some guy up the arse on the train to Williamsburg by Jeffrey Lewis. I can’t imagine that it’s always like that.
It’s a lot of fun.

I’m sure it is if that song is anything to go by. And speaking of songs what one album do you want to listen to on your last day?
Hmmm… Cowboys From Hell by Pantera.

(In the interests of full disclosure I must admit that I now claimed that Cowboys from Hell was Pantera’s second album when it is, in fact, their fifth.) So what film will you watch (when not watching House or Office)?
Hot Fuzz.

Really?
I like watching that, it makes me laugh. It would be something good to watch on my last day. Maybe I would also wanna watch Clerks, both 1 and 2.

Who or what will you miss the most?
I will miss my family and I will miss all the burningangel girls. Maybe they can all indulge in the bacon and french toast and martinis and House with me?

It’s your day, Ms Angel, you can do that if you want. Who or what will you not miss at all?
Traffic. I will not miss traffic. Credit card bills, headaches, the DMV [Department of motor vehicles. I think that whereas everything to do with cars or the road is free and eco-friendly in the UK, they have to pay for things in the US. I know, mental, innit?]. I will totally NOT miss the DMV.

What do you want to do as your last action?
I want to Tweet. I want to write one amazingly funny 140 character statement that summed up my whole life.

How would you like to be remembered?
As a chick who made good porn.

Cool. What will you regret?
I don’t believe in regret. It’s really inefficient.

It was at this point that Ms Angel had to stop our instant message conversation. I don’t know why. Maybe she had to go to the phone, maybe her manager popped round, maybe she was getting upset and scared by the way I kept turning on my webcam so she could see me masturbating with handful of my own shit. We might never know. She was however, good enough to reply, by return of post with the answers to the remaining questions.

What will you remember most fondly?
Hmm…. winning my first AVN award [for Most Outrageous Sex Scene. If I’ve done my research correctly] was one of the best memories I ever had. It was an awesome feeling.

Who would you like to spend your last three hours with, forsaking all others?
Hmm…. well probably, James Deen, Stoya, Jenna Haze, Brian Street Team, Steve Holmes, Jessie Lee, Nova, Draven, and Misti Dawn. We could really have the best orgy in the history of all orgies and that would be a nice way to go.

What will your last words be?
“For only $20 a month you can join BurningAngel.com along with 7 other websites in our network.”

Who is your last phone call to?
My mom.

What will your last thoughts be?
Probably about how I don’t want to die yet and this really sucks, and I want to live a little longer.

What would you like as your epitaph?
“Joanna Angels was a nice Jewish girl, who made good porn, and made people laugh.”

What do you want done with your remains?
If there is a creative way to bake them in a cake and have people eat them- and yet it would still taste good, that would be pretty awesome.

How will you justify yourself to Saint Peter?
I don’t have to justify myself to any saint, because I am Jewish, and we don’t believe in those things.

What does God look like?
That is a bit too much for me to think about right now.

What happens when you die?
Hopefully I fall into a nice sleep that feels relaxing, than I don’t get woken up from.

There is only a very short time left now, but you can fit in one song, what do you want to hear?
The intro song that plays at the beginning of HOUSE[Teardrop - Massive Attack].

Thank you Ms Angel. And off she goes with the words “Love, love is a verb/ Love is a doing word” echoing around the room to the chopping block. Was it just me, or did anyone else notice the palpable air of sexual tension there? I think she fancied me…
Be seeing you…

I am quite bright. Not a genius, by any stretch, but I am no fucking simpleton. For example I have a (very) basic understanding of quantum physics. I’ve got a rough idea how an internal combustion engine works (tiny explosions). I know why things go hard when they freeze (molecules stop moving about at certain temperatures). But there is so, so much in my immediate vicinity that I have no idea about.

An utter fucking simpleton

How a fridge or a freezer works. - No idea. Snow… ice… is it something to do with the little light inside it?
What rice is. - A tiny egg?
What electricity is. - A force of some description? Like magnets.
What fire is. - A chemical reaction. Again, I really don’t know, magic?
How a microwave works. - For all I know it might beam food to Jupiter where spacegoats breathe fire on to it.
How do clouds stay up in the air. - I know it’s got something to do with water vapour. But water vapour is heavier than air, isn’t it? So I don’t really know.
How do airplanes stay up in the air. - something to do with air pressure on the wings. I’ve just googled it and it transpires that I am not the only one who doesn’t know how they stay up in the air. No one does. There are currently five (five!?) conflicting theories. This does not fill me with confidence.
Why do TalkTalk keep barring my phone and broadband services at seemingly random intervals? - best guess, I have a feeling that someone who works there likes me but is too shy to just call me for a chat, or to ask me out for a drink or whatever, so they contrive these awkward ways to get me to contact them. If you are reading this, just call me, I’m quite nice. I don’t bite… (obligatory punchline) unless you want me to (laughter, applause, cheers. I am carried shoulder high out of the theatre. You see what I did was take the expression “I don’t bite” traditionally used to imply that someone is not as mean and unplesant as you might think, and perverted it at the last minute with the caveat “Unless you want me to” turning it from an innocent statement into something much more sexual.).

It worries me that I can live this long and not know so much.
Be seeing you…