Archive for February, 2009

Right then, viewers, I’m moving house and all things being equal I should be back with more pointless observations of no interest to anyone within the week. Until then yr just going to have to make yr own minds up about things. Basically, if it’s ironic, it’s shit. If it’s endorsed by Vice magazine, it’s shit. If it’s “challenging” and “daring”, it’s shit. If it is the American version of Life On Mars, the jury is still out.
Love you,
See you in Hell…
xxx

Jade Goody is dying.

This means that we, in collusion with the tabloid press will shortly re-invent her as a wise and sensitive individual who unwillingly had fame thrust upon her (like, say, Katie Price or Jodie Marsh). Rather than the more accurate description of her as a vile imbecile of poor breeding, prone to ignorant, vulgar and woefully ill-judged outbursts (like, say, me.).

Flaunting her brand new hairstyle (modeled on Kylie and Gail Porter) in the lifestyle pages of every single newspaper ever over this weekend, she says she is making a memory box so her children (and presumably her simpleton boyfriend, Jack Tweed) don’t forget her.
Well she need panic not. To save her the trouble and allow her more time to do the things she’s never done but always wanted to before she dies, like swim with dolphins or read a book, I have decided to do it for her in the form of a blog post that has an even more ludicrously inflated opinion of it’s own worth than she does. All she needs to do is recommend Wolfdisguisedasmonk before she shuffles off this mortal coil. I would suggest that the ones she leaves behind have it tattooed upon their person.

This is how I will forever remember Jade Goody, Princess of Hearts…

Oh yeah, and this:

And that time when she gobbled off PJ under the covers. Unfortunately I can’t find any footage of that.
So I hope we can all remember her contribution to the world.
See you in hell…

Two peadophiles have baby shocker!!11eleven!!

Yeah, well. There’s no point me covering it suffice to say, well done fella. The best coverage of it, including bullying of children can be found here. It’s about an hour long, though.

So what have you been up to this morning? Really? Yeah, fascinating. Me? Well I’ve been questioning the accepted mores and norms of socio-political and religious argument and protest. Yeah. Then the pub, for lunch.

For sometime I have been aware of (and keeping an eye on, someone’s got to) the racist and pointless protest group, Anonymous. For those of you unfamiliar with them, they are the shiftless students who don V for Vendetta masks and stand around outside Scientology centres extolling the evils of Scientology. No, I can’t think of a better description of “tilting at windmills”, either.

These people have always irritated and frustrated me. Not because they are victimising a religion (which they are, but which I have no problem with. As far as I am concerned, whenever anyone makes a choice, be it political, religious or what sort of milk they buy, they are a fair target for ridicule. This must always work both ways though, and you should be ready for it n’all.) but because they don’t have any type of cohesive plan, they don’t understand what they are doing. Some of them claim to be raising awareness of the evils of Scientology (Scientologists don’t seem to be guilty of any great obfuscations of justice, nor of the oppression of sectors of society. In fact the only crime they are really guilty of is fleecing cash from their idiot members, who deserve it. One can’t even really label them a wacky [What? They believe that we were created as slaves for a hyper powerful race of aliens!? Ridiculous. This book I’ve got here is much more honest. It says that an all powerful being created the entire universe and everything in it from nothing {but the nothing was actually the all powerful being because he is everything} in six days, six-thousand years ago. Then on the seventh day he rested because despite being all powerful he still got knackered. And so on…] cult as a cult is just a group of people with shared ideals. Like Anonymous.), and some that they want to crush Scientology altogether. To reiterate, I have zero problem with the abolition of any religion but if Anonymous had the strength of their convictions, they would be strong enough to put their faces to their actions (I’m sorry, but the defence of “We are trying to protect ourselves from any backlash” just doesn’t wash. If you believe in something that can be viewed as contentious, you should be prepared for this.).

And please, why start on such an easy target? There are much greater issues at hand. Even if Anonymous were to focus it’s energies on injustices, or oppression it would be a start. Targeting a crack-pot religion like Scientology is like kicking a baby to death; it’s easy to do but you won’t feel great about yrself afterwards. Why not protest outside a Catholic church about their continued refusal to promote the use of condoms in HIV ravaged countries? Or something more vague, perhaps? Outside a mosque for Islam’s (specifically sharia law) supposed oppression of women? Or how about something more populist? American foreign policy? The UK’s insistence on following the US everywhere? No. The principle reason Anonymous will never protest this is because these people would retaliate. These people have arguments (Rightly or wrongly) which they would counter with. Anonymous do NOT have the strength of their convictions. Anonymous are cowards.

Everything Anonymous do is undermined by their pathetic insistence on wearing these comedy masks. It brings to mind nothing so much as a student prank, not the hard-hitting agent provocateurs they intend. Anonymous is not so much an organisation, more a collective of like-minded individuals. There is no core, no head-quarters, no leader. This is all well and good and maybe even a strong and powerful way to organise a political protest group, but it leaves the whole system open for abuse. When they don the masks and start handing out leaflets and flyers, they are sanctioning the racist and motiveless attacks on assorted hip-hop websites perpetrated under the same banner. They are sanctioning the Habbo Hotel raids they used to do, whereby racist and aggressive language language was used. Surely it is time for them to drop the masks and reveal themselves, time to have the strength of their convictions.

I had a chat with one of the Anonymees (well, I chatted with two of them, but the first one was an utter, utter, utter cunt, and I hope not representative of the bunch of clowns on the whole), or whatever the singular form is, earlier today. He seemed a pleasant enough guy, he offered to take his mask off for me, but he was completely and utterly wrong about everything of importance. He claimed to be raising awareness of Scientology (which is facile, considering the news coverage they have had of late. I would say 90% of the people on the street are fully aware of this comedy cash-hungry religion), and that his ultimate goal was the downfall of it, as it is corrupt. Corruption is rife, everywhere that three or more people get together, two will conspire against one. He said that he was aware of this, and said that Scientology was just the first step. When I asked about other religions in long and excruciatingly tedious detail he said he would never protest against them because of freedom of choice. He would however March against fascism. So no freedom of choice there, then. He was a nice guy, but had not thought through his rag week politics. I think that he was sort of the Batman of Anonymous in that he got involved for superhero reasons. Namely he and his sister were bothered by Scientologists a bit. Once.

I am smarter than you…
And I’m gonna tear your little playhouse down.
Be seeing you…

Of late, wherefore I know not, bullying has slipped somewhat from the national curriculum. This is, in and of itself, not that bad a thing. Those of you around my age (58) will look back fondly on halcyon days spent  having ones head flushed down toilets, double physics, and being crucified behind the temporary classrooms every Easter. Four or five kicks to the nuts and face, apart from seriously inhibiting my ability to breed and speak, never really did me any harm.

Any fule kno that the most negative aspect of the downturn in professional bullying is the DIRECTLY inversely proportional rise in morbidly obese children. This then also leads to a rise in peadophilia, plump children, whilst less desirable that attractive ones, are much easier to catch. A rudimentary trap baited with half a pack of supermarket brand cheese and onion crisps is more than good enough.

Imagine, if you can, a world of slim care free children with come hither eyes, gallivanting o’er hill and dale, carrying a little extra pocket money to pay protection to good old fashioned tormentors with names like Gripper, Crusher, or Flashman.

We can make this happen. We can make the difference ourselves by persecuting the fat mercilessly and without respite. Remember that morally, it is fine as these children have made a conscious decision to gain weight. I would recommend simple beatings to start with, we want to break them in gently, not break them in half, followed by verbal insults, insinuations that their parent’s don’t love them, head flushings and forcing food, mud and broken glass in their mouths if they are “So keen on food.” And yes, we will lose one or two of them to suicide but you can’t make an omelette with out breaking a few legs. Those that get their heads down, knuckle down into not eating so much will be so much the better for it. They will be slimmer, healthier, better looking people with come hither eyes, and they will thank you for it, just the kids in Sleepers thanked Kevin Bacon for toughening them up.

That which does not kill you, serves only to make you stronger.
Except polio.