Big Brother

Foreword: Jesus fucking Christ. Just as I went to post this, after already editing out fifteen hundred words about Hollyoaks I see that Kenny cunt-chops has scaled the wall and there will be no eviction this week. Fucking typical. I suppose it only goes to show that my curse on the people I want to stay in is still working. Well, I’m not fucking changing it again.

You know how you all quite like Halfwit and Bea and think that there might be a bit of a romance growing there? And you know how none of you really like Noirin that much, but for no discernible reason? And you know how you all like Siavash despite the fact that he hasn’t really done anything except be a bit full of himself for a fat bloke? And you know how you all hated Kris and then thought he actually seemed okay once he came out, almost like a human being? Well I’ll explain why in a bit.

Next years Big Brother house. With any luck.

But first, hasn’t it been an exciting week to watch “The phenomenon of some twats in a house”? Because, shock horror, they opened the lid and poured in another carton of cunts (speaking of which, Why was Rodrigo so upset at being called a cunt? If I was in there he would have been called a cunt within about forty seconds of the kick off. And Karly must’ve said it. After all, I am reliably informed that it is Scottish for “Amigo”.) to shake it up a bit. Then, to shake it up more gave them (through Hira. The most stupid human being I have ever come across. I have met cats and dogs smarter than her.) the most insidious task in a convoluted history of insidious tasks. Trying to persuade everyone to nominate two randomly chosen housemates was clearly designed to create divisions in the house, what with many people tuning out due to having fallen into comas through boredom (coma, incidentally is one of the most popular search terms that people use to find this site. But I’m saving that for another time.). I also think it was a flawed task as if a housemate with any moral compass had gone in, they would have refused to do it and accepted that they were putting themselves up for the public vote. Which is not as foolhardy as you might think at first, because viewers seeing this would most probably think that they were a good egg, and they would be safe, leaving it for the other cunts to duke it out amongst themselves. But anyway, on to the new breed…

Kenneth - Basically Ash, from Hollyoaks. Quite possibly the most despicable, arrogant prick on the face of the Earth (a bully since his youth it seems, his sister too. She nearly got into a lot of trouble for gluing two carrots up the nose of a girl at school, but as their dad was quite high up in Gucci [a clothing and lifestyle label made famous by drug-dealers and prostitutes] at the time, they got away with it.), destined to be voted out this week with something approaching the highest percentage of votes, I would guess. I think we should leave him in, see how he gets on. I think that would be much more fun, however, I’m sure it’s not to be. But it’s ok because we have, in few scant days heard him verbally attack a young girl who calmly tore him to shreds, say that he would fuck Dogface (or Action Amy) and then never call her, talk about how the sex is what drew him to Karly, watched him have his ego dismantled in front of him a second time by Bea, and seen him cry in the diary room after his girlfriend asked him to find her contraceptive pills that she left in the house. I think he was right in assuming that there was a subtext to that. I like the man.

Bea - Probably a favourite to win it now (I can’t be bothered to check at the moment, I’ll get back to you in due course) and the destroyer of Kenneth. Her skill here was realising that he was intimidated by her, and feeling sorry for him, not using it against him. Kenneth did not know what to do here as it was anathema to his way of life. Also a potential love interest for Halfwit. Except probably not, because she seemed shocked when asked and has specifically said he’s not her type. Oh well, anything can happen in the house.

Hira - Infact to rephrase my earlier statement, most dogs and cats are smarter than Hira. All cats, most dogs.

David - Twenty-eight year old homosexual spendthrift. Hang on, twenty-eight? Do me a lemon, mate! Twenty-eight? Pull the other one, it’s got fucking bells on it! Twenty-Eight!? Ha, and the rest mate. Double it, I reckon. That or he’s had a hard paper round. If I may be contentious briefly (and let’s face it, I don’t need your fucking permission. I make the rules here, yeah, so fuck you, internet!) he is the kind of man who puts the cause of gay rights back by decades. The sort of chap dreamed up by Nick Griffin and his merry band of pranksters as some sort of menace to our children. And he seems like a prick. And he’s a fucking liar, too, remember. Twenty-fucking-eight indeed!

Tom - A nice bloke wrapped in the skin of an arsehole. It’s my opinion that the producers have already decided that they want him out, and therefore he will be.

Probably smarter than Hira.

Which brings me on to the cut and thrust of this piece. This should be no big revelation, and I’m sure that most of you have already worked this out, probably a long time ago, but I don’t think I’ve read it anywhere. The producers had a fair idea of who they wanted to win from the very first night and since then they have been honing their efforts to ensure that this happens. Which is why you only ever see Lisa sitting on her arse and whinging about other housemates. She can’t be that much of a cunt for real, can she? If she was she would have been voted out by the house mates long ago. Don’t buy into all that dogshit on the analysis shows about how people don’t want to vote her out because it would leave a power vacuum. It’s because in that particular week they hated someone else more. Think about the few questions I posed at the beginning of the piece, why do most people like Siavash? I do, I think he’s cool but he hasn’t done anything good or exciting except cause a row between Noirin and Karly, Kris and that shower of shit by, what appears to be, making up a comment about her being a bunny. What else has he done to snare our hearts? Very little, but he is always shown smiling which has an impact on us! We are shown one edited hour a day. If that hour was focused entirely on one person we would still only be seeing between four and ten percent of what they get up to, when you see this you realise how incredibly easy it should be to get what you want out of that time. Witness; Halfwit the loveable irritant, like herpes. Marcus, the worlds favourite rapist. Rodrigo, the do nothing complainer one has to walk on eggshells around, but that little face, who can stay mad at him? Tom, who for some reason everyone hates, just because he’s got big arms and he became friends with Kenneth. And Kenneth, from his intro video to every single shot of him in the house, it has been carefully constructed so that we hate him and get him out as quickly as possible. So that’s what will happen. Kenneth out this week, Lisa has escaped the boot by the skin of her teeth, despite being voted out by the housemates. Normally I would insist that the worst housemates be kept in because they are funny, but Lisa is just a vile cunt who brings nothing to the house. It’ll be interesting to see how she goes through this week, knowing that she is despised by everyone else. Hopefully she will slash her arms to the very bone, the witch.

Definately smarter than Hira

Halfwit will win.

Be seeing you…

Right, well. If there’s any one in particular that you want thrown out of the house, let us know and I’ll give them the official Wolfdisguisedasmonk seal of approval. It’s the kiss of death. Saffia: Out, Sophia: Out, Cairon: Out, Angel: Out, Sree: Out. They drop like fucking flies when we get behind them. This week I am backing Halfwit. I really like him, but can fully understand why Kris doesn’t. Namely because Halfwit is a twat. Also because Kris is intimidated by Halfwit because he’s so much cleverer than him. Kris, who was once sexy and gave me peculiar dreams is now an utter cunt. Lisa is still, and always has been, an utter gobshite cunt. Rodrigo has started saying things! Mostly to have a go a Charlie, but who can stay mad at him? Awwww, that little face. Karly is some sort of succubus, all beautiful on the outside and a hard, cold, withered husk within. And so on.
Rabbitgate.
Well fuck my hat, did you see any of that shit go off? Wicked, weren’t it? Exciting times. Well here’s Wolfdisguisedasmonk’s view on it; Siavash is aces, Noreen (because that’s how it’s spelt), Karly, Dogface, Kris, Lisa (especially Lisa), and Charlie (to a lesser extent) are cunts. Why did it happen? I watched it and I’m not sure. I think it has a lot to do with Noreen’s seriously skewed self image, in that she only judges herself by other peoples opinions of her. She sees herself as only her looks, if you follow me. And the more I see of her, the less there is of her to know. As someone once said about me, there is a lot less to her than meets the eye, she is self obsessed to the point that she gets jealous of her reflection for being able to look at her. Whichever way it seems that now there are two clear groups in the house, put bluntly the attractive, unpleasant people (and Lisa), and the ugly nice people. And Rodrigo is sort of milling around too, occasionally making Charlie cry. Anyway, seeing as I am a racist, I am on Siavash’s side in this debacle, especially as he called Kris and his shower of shit mates “Cunts”. Brilliant.
The Incredible Five Way Eviction
Here at Wolfdisguisedasmonk we were certain that it was between Kris (not because he’s dead pretty and people will be jealous, but because he’s a knob) and Marcus (the most likable potential rapist in the world) until this Rabbitgate malarky. Now we think it will be Kris, Dogface or Marcus. In that order. Having said that and based on our appalling track record, the smart money must be on Halfwit (although, in the courses of my research [oh yes, research, that’s right] I have come to realise that Halfwit is actually favourite to win on many betting sites.)

Be seeing you…

Let me get one thing clear; I don’t like Big Brother. I watch it so that I have a vague grasp of what real life people might talk about, but I don’t like it. I mean, I think it’s good that they put shows on for what I would term, “The Thick”, Michael McIntyre fans, Alan Carr fans, Justin Lee Collins. Special programs, I think it’s good that they do show special programs on the TV, it keeps the thick off the streets. Although I approve of the general idea of Big Brother (The phenomenon of some twats in a house - Stewart Lee), programming for the severely mentally handicapped, I don’t think it warrants quite the number of hours it has somehow been gifted. About three the other morning, I’d just sobbed myself awake and the horrors behind my eyes were stopping me sleeping so I thought I’d stick tele on. I could watch, if I so chose to spy on some sleeping cunts with night-vision cameras on four channels. Not including the CCTV ones I have set up around my bunker.

Average Big Brother viewer, yesterday

So now I’ve got that cleared up, onwards. How comes people don’t know how to play Big Brother? You don’t vote out the irritants like that poisonous little cunt Sophia, you vote out the dullards (like Halfwit) or ideally the peacemakers leaving the inside of the house to resemble Israel/ Palestine. Excitingly, Halfwit and his rapidly deflating self assurance are up for eviction again which is brilliant. He should, in fairness have been evicted when he was first up, but that is by the by, now. This puts us in an awkward position because Sree is up for eviction, too. Let me nail my colours to the mast here, I fucking love Sree, he is a dangerous maniac and has thoroughly earned his place in the house, his obsession with the somewhat backward Noirin is worth tuning in for alone. In a funny way, he reminds me of my dad in that it doesn’t matter what you say to him, he makes up your side of the conversation in his head.

Under normal circumstances I would be pushing for Halfwits eviction but wait, imagine the mental state of a man who is continually forced to live in a house with people he knows despise him. Imagine the creeping paranoia, the weeping fits, the potential self harm. Now that is TV. But equally Sree is worth watching if only for the palpable air of awkwardness as he tries to join in any conversation. And I don’t want to be deprived of the many happy hours spent watching him and the otherwise utterly pointless Rodrigo (who may as well just be edited out. No one would notice. Karly’s good though, isn’t she? So mean and aggressive. I’ve got half a teacake just thinking about her. And I love the way she drops the T in th… words. Brilliant.) just chat. It’s a mental workout that I believe will soon be available as a brain training game for your DS.

Now with added Sree and Rodrigo

Basically, Lisa should go. Here at Wolfdisguisedasmonk, we hate Brummies, we hate lesbians and we hate women, so she’s not really scoring highly. Additionally, she is a cunt. Which is the reason I would give in the diary room.

*Don’t worry, it was a joke, we don’t really hate Brummies or lesbians.

EDIT: I’m watching BB as I type and maybe Halfwit is the dangerous maniac. I can picture him tearing people apart with his bare hands, gore and entrails dripping from him. A bit like Dead Set, actually.

Clearly the single most interesting development in the house so far is not Fuckwit or whatever his name is using all the eggs in a vile salad, nor is it the female Napoleon, Sophia, (although there is a chance it’s Angel sucking a raw egg out of it’s shell like it’s the most normal thing to do in the world, seriously, this story is all over the internet. I was watching it, agog.) it’s a love affair between two straight men.
It’s beautiful to watch, two very good looking guys who seem made for each other just fit together really well. I’m not for a second inferring that either of them is gay (although the hair washing incident was a bit Brokeback Mountain) but they are slowly becoming one individual.
This will be worth following because it seems that Cairon is more into Siavash than the other way around. The attraction grew, I would inexpertly guess, from the fact that Cairon is the youngest and is a hip young gunslinger, looking for another hip young gunslinger to link up with. Although Kris is beautiful, he’s not cool, displaying thus far all the charisma of an RSJ, not unpleasant, just there. Siavash, on the other hand exuded a self-confidence and cool even when he was dolled up in the Big Brother regulation uniform (incidentally, has Marcus changed out of those yet into his own clobber? The cunt.). This is what Cairon latched onto and is basking now in his reflected glory. I think they are genuinely friends but worry that Siavash (or S-Man) might get a bit sick of him. A bit like Jabba’s little mate in Return Of The Jedi, or the first person you meet at university and think you will become firm friends for life. Then realise they are a prick within days.
Siavash could get by on his own in the house, he is strong enough to manage and will form other bonds. I am not so sure about Cairon but we shall see.

Sree and friends, yesterday

In other news isn’t Sree an utter, utter cunt? I knew he would be. I hope he stays the distance. I’m not sure yet whether he is being such a twat on purpose or whether it is just how he is, feigning deep seriousness and talking in epigrams stolen from fucking fridge magnets. A deeply oily and unpleasant individual who seems to be morphing into a Riddler in slow motion.
I am very upset that Marcus, though still sense of humour free, has not blossomed into the full grown arsehole I had anticipated. Time will tell.

Favourite line so far - Cairon, in response to Freddie saying he couldn’t choose amongst the girls because of his feelings - “I ain’t talking about my feelings, I’m talking about my dick.”
Be seeing you…