Your Last Twenty Four

This weeks episode of Your Last Twenty-Four, or Your Last, as all the cool kids are calling it features rising dubstep star, Jakwob, or James Jacob to his mum as the poor unfortunate to be forced off this mortal coil at the hand of the sinister world government for being too fucking awesome. A bit like We Will Rock You, by faux-comedian Ben Elton which premiered in 2002, or the seven song suite 2112 on the album of the same name by Rush which came out in 1976 (I’m not saying Ben Elton is a thieving, scheming, turncoat, un-funny sellout cunt, that’s for history to decide. But he is.). Anyway, he’s done remixes for people as diverse as Frankmusic, Ellie Goulding, Mr Fogg and Rolo Tomassi (of all people)and if you clicky clicky, you can hear some of them.

I have a sneaking suspicion that that there Starry Eyed remix might be about drugs. I’ve been to those Rave clubs (where I hear chicks get naked) and I’ve seen the folk, ravers, if you like, taking those tablets they are all so keen on, Fantasy, is it? They get starry eyed, suddenly, they’re all touching. I don’t know, disgusting. Thing about those Rave clubs is that some of them don’t even do a good mild on tap. But as usual, I digress…

Unfortunately he has to die, and as such has filled out this little questionnaire of mine on how he wants to spend his last day on Earth in a hip and happening true interactive stylee. Inasmuch as it’s got pictures and video and that. For a much better, more informative interview with this seemingly tea and Arnie fixated individual, go here.

What do you want for your last breakfast?
Crumpets with loads of butter and some waffles and bacon! yes!

What will you have for your last meal?
A fat roast.

What would you want to do on your last day?
Take every drug I’ve never taken then go for a swim. (Sounds to me like a way to escape execution. It’s how people die on soap operas. We’ll keep an eye on him…)

What sort of a day do you want it to be?
A tropical day, humid and raining.

Where do you want to go?
To a nice place with naked people. (One of those Rave clubs, I shouldn’t wonder.)

What reading material do you want?
Nuts, mate.

What album will you listen to?
‘Rewind 2005‘, some dirty garage! (Or possibly not that link. They all have the same name.)

What film will you watch?
Airplane.

Who, or what will you miss most?
Oxygen.

Who, or what will you not miss at all?
Carbon Monoxide! Bastard!

What do you want to do as your last action?
Probably question again why I was being killed! (I think you will find that it has been adequately explained in the admittedly, somewhat shaky premise up there ^^)

How would you like to be remembered?
Well.

What will you regret?
No Regrets, Mother-Fucker! No Mother-Fucking Regrets!

What will you remember most fondly?
My cat and dog and how I had such a better life than them.

Who would you like to spend your last three hours with, forsaking all others?
MJ (Luckily, at the sinister world government we know exactly where he’s hiding. What? You really thought he was dead?)

What will your last words be?

Who is your last phone call to?
118247 you should give it a call! Its directory Heaven!

What will your last thoughts be?
What the fuck!

What would you like as your epitaph?
‘Make us a brew’

What do you want done with your remains?
Scattered over all the lands and oceans across the kingdoms.

How will you justify yourself to Saint Peter?
Do the dance Carlton does in fresh prince, sure to work!

What does God look like?

God, yesterday

What happens when you die?
You’re used for this shit:

What happens when you die, yesterday

And with that, off he goes, to be mechanically dismantled and reformed, part Terminator, part sausage.

Be seeing you…

This edition(?) of Your Last Twenty Four, literally no-ones favourite interview-based-veiled-threat features artist, Eira Davis. If you are not familiar with Eira Davis then shame, shame and thrice shame. She is cracking. Unfortunately, a little too good in my opinion and therefore the opinion of the sinister world government, and she is going to have to go.
You can have a little look at her book here, and you can buy her book here. I don’t have to buy her book as she has made empty promises of giving me a copy for free. Well, she better get a fucking shift on, she’ll be dead before too long.
(If I’m honest, this one doesn’t really work to well, hamstrung due to my abject lack of abstract thought. At my behest she filled it out like a questionnaire which now seems a bit sterile. Had it been more dynamic I would have picked her up on a few things such as her awful taste in music and why the Hell anyone would want to go to bloody Slovenia. As usual, all problems are down to me, all genius is down to the interviewee.)
In other news, I saw one of her boobies once. Only for a bit and she didn’t let me prod it.

Eira Davis, yesterday

What will your last words be?
I love you, and thank you. Said to my boyfriend.

Who is your last phone call to?
My mother telling her that I do think she was a good mother even though I didn’t show it when I needed to.

What would you want to do on your last day?
Have a massive party with all the people that I care about or like, where anything goes, where you can do anything you like without getting into trouble or feeling guilty. Plus get all the tattoos I have always wanted.

What will your last thoughts be?
I probably could have done more with the life I had.

What reading material do you want?
The Tibetan Book Of The Dead.

What do you want for your last breakfast?
Full English, no egg, extra bacon. Cup of green tea with lemon.

What will you have for your last meal?
Scallops with garlic and chilli.

What sort of a day do you want it to be?
Beautifully sunny with a slight warm breeze.

What album will you listen to?
The Mars Volta, De-Loused In The Comatorium.

What film will you watch?
Amelie.

Who, or what will you miss most?
My boyfriend in my bed.

Who, or what will you not miss at all?
Football.

Where do you want to go?
Anywhere but England. Slovenia maybe.

What do you want to wear?
An original Biba dress.

What would you like as your epitaph?
Endings are merely beginnings in disguise.

What do you want done with your remains?
Made into a diamond.

What do you want to do as your last action?
Kiss lots.

How would you like to be remembered?
Fondly.

What will you regret?
Nothing

What will you remember most fondly?
The smell of cut grass.

Who would you like to spend your last three hours with, forsaking all others?
Marilyn Monroe.

How will you justify yourself to Saint Peter?
I wouldn’t.

What does God look like?
There is no God.

What happens when you die?
I believe that for every lifetime of your life, it is a year of a bigger lifetime. Every time you are born and die, a year has passed in your other lifetime. This happens until everything you have ever wanted has come true and you have learned all that you can from experiences. This is the reason for fate, and why you have a soul mate.

There is only a very short time left now, but you can fit in one song, what do you want to hear?

Serum, Feeling Is Believing.

Okay then, here it is, sorry about the execution and that. Say goodbye forever.
Be seeing you…

A while ago, about four months ago, in fact, you may remember that Birmingham’s sexiest promoter, Mazzy, was executed for being too damned swish. It was a sad day for the midlands, and music in general, but alas, she is now gone. Gone forever. The only good thing to come out of this is that Wolfdisguisedasmonk secured an interview with her on the eve of her destruction. It’s been sitting here, on the computer for ages, waiting for certain lazy, good for nothing cunts to edit it (poorly) and post it. And here it is. It’s a podcast so you have to listen to it with your ears. Unfortunately it’s been so long since I done a podcast I’ve forgotten how to do them and it won’t fit on my free podcast hosting site. So I’ve bunged it up on mediafire.

Mazzy, shortly after her tragic execution, yesterday

Have a listen to it and commemorate Mazzy’s life by giving me money. It’s what she would have wanted. If that doesn’t appeal, some people will be celebrating what would have been her twenty-third birthday on 26th of June at the Queen Of Hoxton in London (a little place just outside Cambridge) so you can go to that, too.

If you see her around then it’s not her, it’s an evil doppelganger and this swine deserves nothing more than having her top pulled down and/ or her bum slapped. Make it so, viewers.

So listen to it, out of respect for the dead

Be seeing you…

Firstly, if you have only come here for Joanna Angel, why not take a look around? It’s nice here. There are all sorts of things to keep you amused. Look, look! Is that a podcast? I think it fucking well is, have an earful. (As it transpires, it’s not. They appear to have fallen off the internet somehow. Probably through one of the holes in it. Ho. Ho. Ho.) Keep coming back for more rubbish updates, too.

It is with a heavy heart that I am forced to announce the next victim in the ongoing cull of everyone ace on Earth, Ms Joanna Angel, porn star, director, polymath. If you are not familiar with her ouvre, and I am sure that none of you in relationships are, then go here, here or here. It’s not really safe for work. But it’s more than worth it.
Joanna Angel makes genuinely witty, genuinely sexy porn, which has some of my favourite lines in cinema history including “I’m only doing anal so I can buy a puppy”, and “I was giving her CPR. In the ass.” Put it this way, if you like suicide girls, but think it’s for children and/ or Londoners, check out Burning Angel. You see it going in.
It is a shame that she has to die, especially as I am almost certain that she was trying to work up the courage to ask me to marry her.
The following interview was conducted over an instant messenger for the most part and as such I have edited some of my words and massaged it to make myself look less of a prick.

Let us begin, on this, your last day on earth, what would you like for your last ever breakfast?
Hmmmm, ok, well if it’s my last day then I don’t have to worry about eating healthy. I can throw my diet out the window.

Please do. Pig out, woman.
Then I want french toast, fried eggs, an english muffin with lots of butter, bacon and hashbrowns and coffee. And a really good bloody mary. Maybe like 19 bloody mary’s. That would be awesome.

Great stuff. What would you like to have as your last ever meal at the end of the day?
My last meal… I want a cheese sandwich.

Just a cheese sandwich?
From a good deli from New York. YES.

What kind of cheese?
With swiss cheese, american cheese, lettuce, tomato, mayo and mustard and salt and vinegar potato chips. Oh yeah and onion. I guess I wont have to worry about my breath if I am dying.

What? Just a raw onion?
Yeah, like slices of red onion.

No problem. How do you want to spend your last day?
Hmm… Well having sex, drinking martinis, watching HOUSE and The Office, and being on Twitter.

American Office, or UK Office?
Well, both. But the American Office.

Is there any particular place you would like to go?
Hmm… Yeah to New York To Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Maybe to Central Park.

You can swing by central park on the way to yr execution if you like?
That would be cool.

Or we could perform the execution in central park if you want,
Yeah I wanna drink the martini’s in Williamsburg.
All I know about Williamsburg is that there is a song about Will Oldham raping some guy up the arse on the train to Williamsburg by Jeffrey Lewis. I can’t imagine that it’s always like that.
It’s a lot of fun.

I’m sure it is if that song is anything to go by. And speaking of songs what one album do you want to listen to on your last day?
Hmmm… Cowboys From Hell by Pantera.

(In the interests of full disclosure I must admit that I now claimed that Cowboys from Hell was Pantera’s second album when it is, in fact, their fifth.) So what film will you watch (when not watching House or Office)?
Hot Fuzz.

Really?
I like watching that, it makes me laugh. It would be something good to watch on my last day. Maybe I would also wanna watch Clerks, both 1 and 2.

Who or what will you miss the most?
I will miss my family and I will miss all the burningangel girls. Maybe they can all indulge in the bacon and french toast and martinis and House with me?

It’s your day, Ms Angel, you can do that if you want. Who or what will you not miss at all?
Traffic. I will not miss traffic. Credit card bills, headaches, the DMV [Department of motor vehicles. I think that whereas everything to do with cars or the road is free and eco-friendly in the UK, they have to pay for things in the US. I know, mental, innit?]. I will totally NOT miss the DMV.

What do you want to do as your last action?
I want to Tweet. I want to write one amazingly funny 140 character statement that summed up my whole life.

How would you like to be remembered?
As a chick who made good porn.

Cool. What will you regret?
I don’t believe in regret. It’s really inefficient.

It was at this point that Ms Angel had to stop our instant message conversation. I don’t know why. Maybe she had to go to the phone, maybe her manager popped round, maybe she was getting upset and scared by the way I kept turning on my webcam so she could see me masturbating with handful of my own shit. We might never know. She was however, good enough to reply, by return of post with the answers to the remaining questions.

What will you remember most fondly?
Hmm…. winning my first AVN award [for Most Outrageous Sex Scene. If I’ve done my research correctly] was one of the best memories I ever had. It was an awesome feeling.

Who would you like to spend your last three hours with, forsaking all others?
Hmm…. well probably, James Deen, Stoya, Jenna Haze, Brian Street Team, Steve Holmes, Jessie Lee, Nova, Draven, and Misti Dawn. We could really have the best orgy in the history of all orgies and that would be a nice way to go.

What will your last words be?
“For only $20 a month you can join BurningAngel.com along with 7 other websites in our network.”

Who is your last phone call to?
My mom.

What will your last thoughts be?
Probably about how I don’t want to die yet and this really sucks, and I want to live a little longer.

What would you like as your epitaph?
“Joanna Angels was a nice Jewish girl, who made good porn, and made people laugh.”

What do you want done with your remains?
If there is a creative way to bake them in a cake and have people eat them- and yet it would still taste good, that would be pretty awesome.

How will you justify yourself to Saint Peter?
I don’t have to justify myself to any saint, because I am Jewish, and we don’t believe in those things.

What does God look like?
That is a bit too much for me to think about right now.

What happens when you die?
Hopefully I fall into a nice sleep that feels relaxing, than I don’t get woken up from.

There is only a very short time left now, but you can fit in one song, what do you want to hear?
The intro song that plays at the beginning of HOUSE[Teardrop - Massive Attack].

Thank you Ms Angel. And off she goes with the words “Love, love is a verb/ Love is a doing word” echoing around the room to the chopping block. Was it just me, or did anyone else notice the palpable air of sexual tension there? I think she fancied me…
Be seeing you…

The person chosen for execution by the sinister world government this time is model, musician, scene queen and internet celebrity (oh yeah, we’re down with the kids, here) Amor Nicolai Hilton. She is from America, which I have heard of but never been to. I believe it is one of the colonies. Just outside Cambridge. I think wars come from there. Wars and fat people, of which she is neither. Unless you count her hair as an act of war.

Amor Hilton, yesterday

I have a suspicion that she may have been utterly baked when she filled this out (because she told me she was), and we don’t really have much of a clue as to what she is on about a lot of the time but last wishes are last wishes. So here is the last day of an extremely self-possessed young woman with a speciality in romance at short notice.

What will your last words be?
No pity for a coward.

Who is your last phone call to?
My mom.

What would you want to do on your last day?
I would smoke a lot of weed, take some party, write my last song, and lay with Kent ‘Karma’ again.

What will your last thoughts be?
Ciggg breaaak?

What reading material do you want?
None? I think?

What do you want for your last breakfast?
Nothing. I’m on the Hollywood diet.

What will you have for your last meal?
Turkey mother fuckin sandwhich and peanut butter and chocolate ice cream.

What sort of a day do you want it to be?
Never lol

What album will you listen to?
Guns’n'Roses, Bless The Fall, Lil Wayne. (Technically three albums, but we will let it go this time. Don’t nobody else try it, y’allzzz)

What film will you watch?
Wristcutters (As advertised and reviewed right fucking here.)

Who, or what will you miss most?
The goals I never accomplished.

Who, or what will you not miss at all?
L.A traffic LOL long times at Starbucks.

Where do you want to go?
Somewhere like Corpse Bride went.

What do you want done with your remains?
Cremated.

What do you want to do as your last action?
One last photograph.

How would you like to be remembered?
For my brains, not my beauty.

What will you regret?
Nothing

What will you remember most fondly?
Little Nick and Josh days. Kiki and Georgia homeless 15 year old adventure.

Who would you like to spend your last three hours with, forsaking all others?
Kent, Anthony666 or my mom.

What does God look like?
Pink hair.

What happens when you die?
I get cremated, and then I go party in heaven like a rockstar

There is only a very short time left now, but you can fit in one song, what do you want to hear?
“BABY WE’RE INVINCIBLE”

Thank you very much, Ms Hilton. And off she trots to be beheaded for the good of a one world government.
Be seeing you…