Hollyoaks

I haven’t had much to say about Hollyoaks of late. Partially because I am much more engrossed in the little Load And Go micro-soap that bookends the adverts, and partially because it has gone utterly fucking ridiculous. If you can imagine such a thing.

The first thing I would like to say is that I am fully aware that it’s not a documentary, it’s a stupid soap-opera, but I demand continuity inside it’s own universe, dammit!
I suppose it started irritating me around the time Warren died. I think that a former copper, even a bent one would engender more belief and respect than a known gangster, especially when he is prepared to put his own freedom and what not on the line to get him collared (leaving aside the dubious legality of illegally recorded confessions).

But anyway, this is what is winding me up now:
The Money.
So Archie, Elliot, Kris and scouse lad moved into a flat and found a bag full of cash. So far, so brilliant. Next they all decide that they are all entitled to a quarter of it and because it is probably ill-gotten gains there is no need to report it to the Police (If I found it, reporting it to the Police would not even cross my mind. There is a fair chance I wouldn’t even report it to my flatmates. Especially if Archie was one of them.). Brilliant, still. Next they start counting it everyday, worrying about who is nicking it, not trusting each other, spending it on a fucking safe that they all know one digit of. What a bunch of wankers. Why not just split it four ways and let everyone worry about their own portion? Syphon it into their respective bank accounts over a few months and not say anything about it to anyone? Or if they really want to seem mysterious and exciting why not open a Swiss bank account and deposit in there? This would also let them film a holiday special with the four lads jetting off to Switzerland, getting into scrapes and ultimately finding themselves. In short, Massive cunts.

Gaz.
Jesus fucking Christ, Gaz the one dimensional (although at least he’s got a surname now), comedy racist/ trainee rapist (which reminds me of a joke I heard on Womans Hour the other day; a bloke walks into a bar and says to the barman, “I could have any woman in here.” the barman says “How can you be so sure?” The bloke replies “I’m a rapist.” TRUFAX.) is back. Ace. Why does this pointless interference always want to hang around with people he hates? Hasn’t he got any mates of his own? What happened to that big gang of wankers who poured white paint (clearly symbolic spunk) all over Anita (and we’ll get to her in a bit.)? Why is he so eager to hang out with people he hates and who hate him? I know I repeated that bit, but I just really don’t get it. Perhaps he is mentally handicapped.

Anita Roy Is Adopted.
I’m not adopted, because my parents love me, but surely Gov and Smitta Smitten, showbiz kitten are still her parents, just because they are not biological. Perhaps this is just so that Anita can be sent off on some damn fool ideological crusade to find her real parents? I reckon they are dead, and her current parents are her aunt and uncle or something.
I often wish I was adopted, I think it would be fun.
In fact all the story lines involving the kids, I hate them all. Especially all of them.

Nancy.
When, how and why did she become so frumpy and boring? Bet she regrets that tattoo. Oh yeah, why does she let Darren lounge about her flat all day like a great blinged up slug? It’s her house, fuck him off.

Calvin.
Calvin has a type.
Calvin like blondes with big knockers.
Cheryl has blonde hair and big knockers.
Cheryl is in fact a whirlwind made of tits and ass.
Cheryl wants Calvin up inside her.
WHY DOESN’T THIS HAPPEN!? SHE IS AWESOME!
Big booty bitches is where it’s at, by the way.

Baby Max.
I sincerely hope that next time Jackie goes looking for this vile child (by the way Jackie, it’s not your baby, it’s the spawn of your half sister and Russ, the human doormat, so please stop referring to it as yours, for fucks sake.) I hope that we hear Russ has killed and eaten them both. The village will soon forget.

This has been forwarded to the producers. I eagerly await their response.

Be seeing you…

ADDENDUM: In the course of my research for this article (oh yes, research) I came across this. They seem to have left out that if you really want to be like slot-eyed heartthrob Rhys, you should probably fuck your sister, too.

Also, what is the point of this? Tokyo Grunger. Don’t make me fucking sick.

Due to my burgeoning popularity on the pornography scene (as the logical successor to Mr Hands), I don’t know if I should still be looking at such Anglocentric and, frankly, un-arousing subjects as Hollyoaks. I don’t know how it will affect my standing amongst my new friends (yes, if you are reading this, I consider you friends and as such will be expecting birthday presents and holiday invitations in return for tea and crumpets, eh, Misti Dawn, eh? Eh?). So imagine my rapturous delight at the return of batshit crazy Cheryl, played by Adrianna Nicole (who was three years older than me when I first heard of her, and is now one year younger than me)’s plumper Irish cousin. This awesome whirlwind of tits and ass crash-landed back on our screens a week or so back and I look forward with chomping bits to each appearance. It’s nice to have a taste of lighthearted slapperey in a show which, what with it’s AIDs, child abduction, murder and now child abuse story lines, is somehow loosing all sense of fun. Maybe it’s all the AIDses flying around the place?

Aside from Cheryl, I don’t really have much of a fucking clue what’s actually going on. Natty appears to have gone from being an evil mastermind to Gary Glitter with a tiny little face. Abi and her gentleman friend (a pair so pointless and without direction that they haven’t even been given last names yet) now seem to be recruiters for some cult or other, I’m eagerly anticipating the day when they stop people in the middle of Hollyoaks village to ask them if they want a stress test. Mike Barnes is still, and always will be a cunt. Zoe appears to have forgotten that she has failed her entire degree and her life has gone up in smoke because she stole an idea from the aforementioned Barnesey after her laptop magically exploded (which is what happens when you spill a bit of wine on them, so watch out. I pissed all over my keyboard once when I was drunk and it still worked fine [it didn’t work fine. I hairdryered it and took it back to the shop to swap it for a new one saying that I didn’t know what had gone wrong with it.].) and for some-fucking-reason beyond the ken of anyone at all, Darren (also viewable here, sexing up a lady, the jammy cunt.) and Hannah got married in Denmark (If you follow that Denmark link you will be invited, rather wonderfully, to explore the universe of Denmark. Universe? Come on, with the best will in the world it’s a country, not really a Universe.). I swear that I am not making this up. Every time I turn it on (which is everyday) I feel as though I’ve missed at least a fortnight of episodes. If anyone can fill me in on the whos, whens, whys and hows, please fill me in cos I’m fucked.

Be seeing you…

Who the fuck is this horrible child in the middle?

Whoever he is, I fucking hate the cunt.

Hollyoaks is going a bit Breakfast Club at the moment what with the four kids locked in a room after Nancy (who used to be brilliant and has now become a self-important and stultifyingly tedious bore. I blame Russ. You can’t live with someone that shit for so long without becoming like them. It’s as though she has been assimilated into the Borg. Worryingly, this means that Russ must have the dominant personality. I didn’t even notice that he had one at all.) runs away to cry. This could feasibly end well for Newt because all three of the girls fancy him. For a while I wondered why they all liked him so much, I thought it was his hair but I realise now it’s just because he is the only boy. Also, like Anita and Lauren, I hate white people.

“All this time I hated Zoe Carpenter.”: Michaela McQueen. Me too, Micks, me too. I don’t know if anyone to do with Hollyoaks reads this (Oh my fucking God, that would be endlessly ace), but if you do, and if you happen to be Lyn Papadopalous, (the greatest writer on the ‘Oaks) then please get someone to give Zoe a poking. She is at the moment basically rubbing her gash on anyone, Zak, Old Mr. Barnes, Sarah (the least convincing lesbian since Tarzan [an incredibly convoluted reference that I can't find a link to adequately illustrate.]). I would suggest that Archie gets to fill her in. As he is an utterly one dimensional character this won’t affect him in any way (Except perhaps to put another notch on his unfeasibly be-notched bedpost.), they already have a bizarrely incestuous flirting situation on the go (do any of my viewers have any siblings? Do you ever refer to them as ‘bro’ or ‘sis’? Because I never fucking do. Lazy, lazy fucking writing, to my mind.), and let’s be fair, Hollyoaks has got previous in this respect.

Wouldn’t it have been nice if that grenade went off when that little shit ran back to Tony? And while I think about it, has anyone else noticed Dom’s new found lapses into ghettospeak? Somewhat disarming.

Be seeing you…

In what fucking universe is this girl a minger?
The universe of Hollyoaks, of course, where the likes of Jacqui Molata, Mercedes McQueen and Archie Carpenter (of which more, and later) are world renowned lookers. It seems that for once Hollyoaks are actually broaching an interesting and not often looked at subject; body dysmorphic syndrome. Hmm, well, I’ll keep an eye on it let you know how it goes.

And so, pantomime dame Kris has decided to use his vast musical knowledge to manage The Somethings. A duo (at the mo) featuring Rhys - Nuts magazine made flesh and the most earnest man in the world - Josh (played by Garth Marenghi’s ego). Kris, simply working on the radio does not mean that you know about music. Look at Chris-fucking-Moyles, gypsy-hating George-fucking-Lamb or Jo-fucking-Whiley. I reckon that Rhys, what with his love for keeping it in the family, will fix his miniature eyes on Josh and give him a poking on the first night on the tour bus. I loathe and despise them both.

Am I the only one who gets a little bit of sick in their mouth when Archie and Zoe are on screen together? Not just for the sub-Crossroads acting “talent” of archie (the only man who can be out acted by the dynamic duo, Dom and Tony [how the fuck have they lasted so long in the acting industry when neither can act?{I say ‘neither’, everyone knows it’s one man and a full length mirror}]) but for the palpable sexual tension that burbles between them. Exciting to think that they will be using two incest plots in a year.

Exciting times.

Be seeing you…

Lauren Valentine…

Theresa McQueen…

Anita Roy. Marry, snog, avoid (Or Marry, shag, push off a cliff, to be a little less tender)?

This is clearly being written for the benefit of Pete Wentz jr., Newt - emo made flesh, and does not reflect my own opinions and yes, I have checked and all of the girls are over eighteen so don’t fucking look at me like that (I haven’t checked, but I’m quite sure that Theresa is, and she looks the youngest so I’m probably right.).

Straight off the bat I think we can all agree that Lauren needs pushing off a cliff. No one would suspect you of murder, especially if you did it in Bridgend, because, y’know, she looks the sort, doesn’t she? Just leave her iPod beside her and her book of “poems” and yr home free. Okay then. With her marvelously out of the picture we can now concentrate our efforts on the other two. Snog, marry, Anita, Theresa…

Obv. Anita, being far and away the nicest individual needs marrying. Once wed to Newt she can then start to become herself and stop with this miserable expression she wears, planted beneath her tented eyebrows. I imagine she will rapidly tire of Newt but marry in haste, repent at leisure, eh?

Theresa. Theresa, Theresa, Theresa. She must therefore get what remains and I think she would be more than happy with that, what with her desperation for attention calling out from under her skin. Good news: as she is currently with Ste Hay, secret gay (an actor who, incidentally, shows he is leagues ahead of the likes of Zoe “I am a serious video artist” Carpenter and Sarah “I’m not that kind of girl” Barnes by not banging on about how “weird it is to kiss girls, so I had to have a little drink before I did it.” No. He does it because he is an actor, and pretending to be someone or something you are not is sort of the point. He just gets his head down and concentrates on the filthy business at hand.) she has probably had her back doors kicked in and will therefore be more than willing to do so again (ALL girls love it. They might not think so, but they will. Like sushi. Except up the ass.) which is not something you can say of Lauren.

So there we have it, Newt - sorted. Thank me in cash.
Be seeing you…