Bible

As those of you who follow this utterly retarded blog will be aware, I dedicate quite a lot of my time, plowing through the bible so that I can ridicule it in an offhand and flippant way by reviewing it as if I think that is clever. Sometimes I come across something on the world wide internets that makes me wonder why I bother. I’m not talking about Richard fucking Dawkins, or other pointers-out of the mind numbingly obvious, but this right here.

Richard Dawkins at a lecture, yesterday

I find myself wondering, why bother taking the piss in a long, protracted, tedious way, when they themselves are fucking giving it away here. It would be quicker and easier, and some might say, funnier, just to post and disassemble these cartoons. I could just ask questions like, if Hell is a place of eternal suffering, how comes the demons that live there seem to be having a good time? If Hell is being removed from God’s sight, meaning enjoyment is impossible, why is the Devil so keen on what he does? Does this mean that the Devil, created by God (originally merely an angel of death or an adversary, not Lord of the underworld, but I suppose it shows that if you get yr head down and work hard, anyone can get a promotion). Or if this God fella wants to accept everyone, why not just accept and forgive everyone? Why fuck around judging people, and how can anyone in heaven be happy knowing that somewhere else people were suffering for eternity?

But I’m not going to. I’m going to list my top five for your delectation, hurrah!

5. Doom Town. A fantastically well balanced and fair depiction of the gay community and I believe an insight into what they are up to.

4. Oops! Adapted for a black audience, it says here, in a not at all stereotypical way. No drawings of big lips or drug abusers, thieves and gangsters… oh. Oops! Indeed.

3. Flight 144. Telling us, in it’s usual even handed way, not to bother doing anything good, it doesn’t really matter. I for one am just going to kick back.

2. There Go The Dinosaurs. Finally, the truth about what happened to the dinosaurs. This is educational, you see?

1. Allah Had No Son. Putting his teachings into the real world with a realistic, accurate, and not at all inflammatory telling of something that could well happen. Wonderful stuff.

Enjoy.
Be seeing you…

I’ll tell you what I did the other day, I went to the fucking wrestling, y’all. TNA, which apparently stands for Total Non-stop Action (not Tits ‘N’ Ass, as I had assumed [well, hoped]). Why the “S” in “Stop” doesn’t warrant it’s own letter is never fully explained to my mind. Perhaps someone decided, like Sam “Include me out” Goldwyn when he looked at Ars Artis Gratia (Art For Art’s Sake) above the roaring lions head on Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer films that TNSA just didn’t look right (Samuel Goldwyn famously said “Shuffle it about a bit”, leading to much ummming and ahhhhing and shuffling from foot to foot from his underlings before someone just said “Yeah, alright.”, which is why it now reads “Ars Gratia Artis”, trivia fanzzz). “Featuring Kurt Angle, Jeff Jarrett, Samoa Joe and AJ Styles!” the ticket excitedly proclaims. I don’t know who any of these people are.

TNA, yesterday

So what the hell do I know about wrestling? The square root of fuck all, that’s what. As my companion and I wended our merry way there I was mistakenly under the impression that it was them Mexican wrestlers with the masks which are meant to be dead good that we were on our way to see. It wasn’t, and he filled me in on the language and a brief history of the art. Apparently it started with the circus strongman and “Survive ten minutes to earn ten bucks” style competitions and has since developed in to this monster that one sees before you. There may be some holes in that potted history, but in essence, that’s it.

Rammed. It was absolutely packed in there. Full of virgin boys, the scent of Lynx and sexual inadequacy heavy in the air. But the atmosphere was good. The least pretentious crowd I have ever come across in the sense that everyone was there to enjoy themselves, not to be seen or to simply say they had been (unlike say, to pluck an entirely random example out of the air, ATP Release The Bats at Space 2) and it was enjoyable.

Is wrestling fixed? Of course it is but when I watched Jurassic Park I didn’t think the dinosaurs were real and I still think that is ace. It doesn’t matter that the events are staged, these people are still extraordinary athletes. I couldn’t get up there and do the stuff they do in a six sided (?) ring for ten minutes without coughing up a lung. And nor could you (except, off the top of my head, maybe two of you. I’m talking to you Tom and you Kevin. Hmm, I wonder if I could arrange an MMA contest between them pair? I could tell them it’s for charity, I ‘spose.).

Kurt Angle and Mick Foley, yesterday

There were some politically interesting moments, such as where an “Iranian” wrestler (To much booing), Sheik Yerbouti or something, bowed down and prayed to Allah before his fight then kept cowering out and tried to run away. And some interesting perversions of language - A female tag team called “The Beautiful People” which proves that England and America truly are two countries separated by a common language. Beautiful is a relative term. Also appearing in that fight was a professional horse frightener called ODB who I found myself strangely drawn towards. I wonder if she has had any surgery?

My favourite part of the night was a tag team brawl featuring some fat lads (Hey, fat blokes are people, too! - My companion) who declared the match to be “A good old fashioned Birming-Ham street fight”. Hmm. A Hurst Street fight, maybe. There were no stabbings and nary a knife was pulled. They did bonk someone on the nut with a “Wet Floor” sign (There was also a broom or two in use which reminded me of a time many years ago when I saw the singer from a successful Birmingham band chase someone down the street with a broom outside the Sanctuary late one night cos they had nicked his wallet.*) and they dropped someone through a table. Which was fun.

Magnus Brutus from the new Gladiators was there and had a fight and won, and another English wrestler was there too, but he lost. We missed Kurt Angle and the main event cos my companion had a train to catch. But it was a good night, a bit too much music by James Alan Hetfield and his merry band of pranksters for my liking, but you can’t have everything.

Some gladiators, yesterday

Be seeing you…

*If you think you know who it was, please leave yr answer in the comments.

Well fuck me I have found the single most boring book of the Bible. Again devoid of metaphor, simile, depth or character development. There is no warmth in anyone here. Moses just tanks around the place doing Gods will, and God is super pissed off. Sample text:

God: Did you kill all the kids and that when you killed all the fellas and all the bitches who have had it off?
Moses: No. That’s a bit much, innit?
God: Well you best had fucking do it, son. Or I’ll get all jealous, and no one wants a jealous God, do they?
Moses: Shit, sorry. I’m on it! - Numbers, 31:13-20 (Phrased slightly differently. Same sentiments, though).
(Quite why an all powerful God would get jealous is never adequately explained. Yet another glaring plot hole. Come on, God, man up.)
I can only presume that the author was a mate of the publisher as there is no way on earth this would get printed otherwise. Yet another pro-ethnic cleansing diatribe encouraging infanticide and the ousting of people from their homeland. If you think the middle east is in a mess now you should have seen it back then. And Moses seems to have some years on him.

Some Midianites, yesterday

A lot of exciting things happen in this book (A lot of it to do with Midian, and Midianites, which I thought was something out of Clive Barker’s Nightbreed, a much more entertaining prospect than this drivel), but it is all relayed in the most tedious, pedestrian fashion possible. The main thing I have found missing from the Bible so far (apart from any semblance of love or anything inspiring to form a religion around) is editing. Do we need forty-three lines in succession that all begin and end with “They left… and encamped at…” (Numbers 33: 5 - 48)? It’s just laziness. The author trying to find something to bulk out his copy with, I’ll wager. As I’ve said before, deadlines and word count have quite a lot to do with this religion. Gibberish. I’d probably advise skipping this one, too. Dull, dull, dull.

But, up next is Deuteronomy, which is a nice word, isn’t it?
I will leave you with my favourite song by Deuteronomy - You Could Easily Have Me.

Be seeing you…

So as we all know it’s Christmas. Christmas! CHRISTMAS! The best fucking time of the year. Every other holiday, or religious celebration is a fucking pathetic pale imitation of Christmas. There is literally no point whatsoever in having another holiday, or religious festival ever. So fuck them all.
But how much do you really know about Christmas? I mean really? I bet you know absolutely fuck all, don’t you.
We all know that it’s for presents and booze and Jesus and Santa and dates and those bowls of chocolate, raisins and peanuts (coincidentally the order in which they are always eaten.) but what about the real meaning of Christmas? Eh?
Well amaze your kith and kin with these easily digestible facts (FACTS) about the festive season. I have painstakingly researched these and can cite references for all of them if you request.

Christmas, yesterday

Christmas was first celebrated in the United Kingdom in 1918 to commemorate the end of the first world war (or wwonepointzero  as it was recently re-branded).
Christmas started as a German festival of Italian integrity in 1916 before it ironically spread around the world like wild fire.
When the pope brought a Christmas tree to put in England’s front room in 1925, history tells us that it was the best Christmas on record.
The reason people eat dates at Christmas and at no other time is because they are actually deadly poisonous when not consumed within 3.7 meters of a printed piece of card with a picture of a robin on it. No one knows why this is, it just is.
The traditional Christmas gift in Peru is a scream which one must capture in a jar then feed to a butterfly.
The abstract concept of guilt is impossible to feel at Christmas. This is due to the high sugar content of the air. Conversely, for the same reason it is impossible to go through the season without feeling a slight sensation of displeasure.
All Christmas tree decorations contain animal parts.
In the hamlet of Princes Freshborough, near Belle Ayr, any homosexual found smiling between 21st of December and 29th of December will be executed. Unfortunately, although most strange customs and laws have been removed from the statute books, this law is a grade one listed building and is technically a part of the National Trust and therefore can not be changed.
When Jesus Christ was born in the early 1943, he and his followers quickly co-opted “Christmas” due to the uncanny similarity of the name. This meant that the festival they had applied for planning permission for, a two month party between June and February, was no longer needed. The planning permission was granted leading to the creation of two new months, Martember and Omp, which still languish, unused in a warehouse in the highlands (the months, as with most now, were of course made in Hawaii). These months are essentially up for grabs to anyone. But beware, once you claim them, you have to look after their up keep for ever more.
The first present ever given in the UK was an ill fitting jumper that was returned and swapped for gift vouchers when the sales started, and, like all gift vouchers, these ran out without being used.
All Christmas number ones since 1995 have been written by Diid Osman, formerly of the hit band, Sleeper.

Santa Claus, yesterday

And that is everything you will need to know about Christmas. You can forget everything else you learnt. Oh yeah, I have got you something for Christmas, but it’s not ready yet. But I promise you you will get it before New Year. I promise.
Be seeing you…

Don’t bother reading this one. It’s fucking rubbish.

I’m looking forward to David and Goliath and the Wooden Horse of Troy and that lot. This one seems to be mostly about killing things. The only positive thing I can say about it is that is a bit like the minutes from a maniacs meeting.

Here are some pictures that came up when I googled Leviticus. Nope, I’m not really sure what they represent either: